Saturday, August 9, 2008

The fear of keeping it real and how to overcome it

Many of us walk around with a profound fear of intimacy. The fear of intimacy is basically being petrified, horrified, terrified of actually telling another human being how we really feel. When we want love and we are afraid to ask for it is what a fear of intimacy really is.

Why do we have problems telling someone how we really feel? We might fear that we will not get what we ask for. We might fear that we will be humiliated by another person if we put our real feelings out there. We might fear that somebody will disapprove of something that we say and as a result think less of us. We might feel that we will get physically or emotionally abused if we say how we really feel.

A person who has a fear of intimacy often likes people and has relationships with those who don’t really like them very much (I think this is why we call ourselves niggers and bitches so much). A person who has a fear of intimacy, in some cases doesn’t even respect someone if they actually like them.

People who have a strong fear of intimacy feel like they are the worst person on earth. They feel like they are a bad and unlovable person at the core of who they are. They don’t believe that they are worthy of true love, they also believe that anyone who is foolish enough to love them is crazy.

This comes from our past. As a child we were completely dependent on others for survival. When we asked for something from the ones who were supposed to take care of us and they made us feel sad, disappointed or guilty for asking them then we learned, in most cases, not to ask. This mentality has filtered over into our adult lives. Many of us have been taught to constantly keep up appearances. We’ve learned to fake like we have everything going right for ourselves in order to hide how sad and vulnerable we really are.

This is a big problem in our relationships. So what do we do about it?

#1: Lighten Up

Realize its okay to express your real self. If people around you make you feel bad about you being you then maybe you should get away from them and find people who like you for who you are.

#2: Find Safe People To Open Up To

Blogging is good for this reason. Internet chat rooms are good. It's best to open up to strangers because your close family or friends might use this information against you (consciously or unconsciously). A stranger doesnt care about you anyway so their opinion shouldnt matter.

#3: Practice Being Honest With Yourself

Try to get to the root of who you really are. Take sometime alone without anything to distract you and just practice telling yourself in your own mind how you really feel about things that are going on in your life or that have transpired in your past. If negative feelings come up be thankful that you can finally get this stuff out of your system. Warning: If you ae not honest with yourself this can lead to not so good conclusions.

#4 Realize That You Are Not A Bad Or Unlovable Person

People who suffer from a fear of intimacy think that they are bad people. No person is either bad or good, they are who they have been conditioned to be by their genetics and environment. You are a great human being and you are worthy of someone who loves you! You have to really believe that.

#5 Read The Book "Psychology of Winning" By Dennis Waitley

Its about the differences between winners and losers in life and how to become a winner.


RealHustla said...

"A stranger doesnt care about you anyway so their opinion shouldnt matter."

In order to make this true I would have to read totally different blogs everyday. It doesn't take long for us to develop some kind of connection to people who's lives we like to read about. Hey, we're hurt when celebrities pass away and if something were to happen to one of these folks who comment on my blog or who responds to comments I leave on theirs I would be even more hurt.

But I get your point. I open up to these "strangers" because they seem to care. At least more than my family members do sometimes. It definitely works for me.

Lina said...

First off, that Fresh Prince clip damn near took my out...whew, they dont make tv like that anymore...whew...that was powerful. It makes me tear up every single time I see it.

Moving on, I am one of those people you discussed. The rejected as a child for being weird or different, and not shown affection which developed into a full fledged fear of intimacy. A fear so wrecking that it can cause me to push people away who might really love me, for fear that they may not. It has taken time, and I am not completely over it, but the way I have combated it is through loving myself and accepting every single flaw that I have. I told myself that I wasn't meant to be loved for so long that I believed it. Now, I have come to the understanding that love is displayed in different forms, that its not a quick process, and that real love is something that is forever building.

fantasy queen said...

Hey JT,I'm one sucker when it comes to fear of intimac,contary to what you said,I had a wonderful childhood,I'm a loveable person to an exten,I?e gotten to know myself a bit more than I dared but I can't figure y I don't let people in.

I've gone through all your pionts and I'm sure it'll work for loads of people.but with me? I was almost giving up on myself still I went thru stuff in d past week, I'm goin to live my life like its golden,stand still when d urge to run overcomes me, for lifes too short to let fear of anything intimacy or love or whatever ruin it.

MysTery said...

Uh huh and read "Power of Intention" by Wayne W. Dyer. Lol 4real.

But no seriously, I was crying watching that clip. I know how that feels. :/

I do now have a greater fear of intimacy than b4 because in my last relationship I actually took chances and opened up 4real and I feel like I got nothing from it. I felt stupid then and I kinda do now. Iono, guess that is something I will have to work on.

Anyway that was my little spill. Good post man.

Ticia said...

This is great - I had a huge fear of intimacy ... I still have some residue - but I am getting better -

I have always loved the guy that didn't love me .. and the ones that adored me I ran from them -

Now that I am older.. I catch myself.....

Koffeedyme said...

I agree with this post.. ITS TRUTH....

I guess i got this issue.. im not there no more.. o put dudes on the back burner.. if a dude likes me i don't know about it.. but like my other post.. i'm too young to stress the unnecessary things...

nikki said...

that scene always makes me cry, no matter where i am. *wipes away a tear or two*

this is an extremely accurate assessment of why folk are afraid of intimacy. also throw in there the large number of women who have been sexually violated and therefore, lack the trust necessary to allow a brotha to get close like that (that's my situation, but i've been actively working on it)

i do think that the internet can be a place to share stuff you wouldn't have the courage to share with fam. however, i don't agree that online folk don't care. there is a bond created, however tenuous or fragile, between blogger and reader, especially if the folk been reading for years. people DO care. it's hard not to.

B said...

I seriously used to cry every time I saw that episode of The Fresh Prince. #3 on your list, I think is the mpost important. Unfortunately...many of us fail in that department.

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

great advice folk
i rolled u if u dont mind folk

Anonymous said...

JTub - Good blog post. I usually am sarcastic Ok I am always sarcastic but I thought it was great advice. I'd like to add #6 to your list which is...

#6 Fuck them, fuck them all - Why are you worried about impressing people who don't really know you anyway. Open up and speak your mind and you'll find everyone loves a leader. Everyone loves the person who believes in themselves. Arrogant, Cocky or an Asshole they all have followers.

karrie b. said... do you know all this?

and i was wondering if u were happily married since you have all the relationship answers and stuff.


aoc gold said...


(Part I)

Who has seen the wind?

Neither I nor you;

But when the leaves hang trembling,

The wind is passing through.

(Part II)

Who has seen the wind?

Neither you nor I;
But when the trees bow down their heads,

The wind is passing by.

~by wow powerleveling