Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The Reasons Why A So Called "Independent" Black Woman Needs A Man In Her Life (I Know, Always Starting Something. Aint I A Stinker :)

The comments for this particular post should be interesting and hopefully enlightening.

Ive often struggled with this term because i deal with and have been in relationships with so called independent black women.

I've never liked the term "independent" when describing anybody, man or women.

It seems juvenile.

It reminds me of a person after winning an award saying "i got this myself. nobody helped me to get this shit but me."

Like i said in a previous post about the bluffers in the world, the bluffer when they are trying to decieve someone of something thats not true often projects the opposite of who they really are and what they really feel.

Im not saying that this is the case with all women who classify themselves as such, but for many it is.

For many its an attempt to camouflage their real need and desire for a man in their lives.

Many call themselves this because they are absolutely frieghtened at the thought of being hurt by a man (probably because their fathers abandoned them or they've been made a fool of or taken advantage of by a man before and the pain is still them).

So they feel if they project an independent persona and constantly call themselves this, they will protect themselves from that unpleasant experience again.

It's deeper than this of course and this is just one reason.

There are many reasons for this phenomenon (and many are related to the type of sign we have, some are related to current economic conditions) but i've judt decided to mention this one because i like to swin in the psyche of the human mind sometimes.

It really doesnt even matter to be honest why many have women have come to this conclusion.
The ultimate fact is that women need men in their lives for a variety of reasons and here are some (The following list comes from the book Why Mars And Venus Collide by John Gray)
  • she needs a man for romantic companionships
  • she needs a man to be faithful
  • she needs a man for simple companionship. she doesnt want to come home to a big, beautiful empty house or apartment
  • she needs a man for financial back up--someone who could support her of she couldnt work
  • she needs a man around because she feels safer-- two people are twice as good as one
  • she needs to have a partner to share fun times with
  • she needs a partner to share with who cares about her well being
  • she needs a partner who misses her when she is away
  • she needs a partner to help raise the family if the have children
  • she needs a partner if she doesnt want to have children alone
  • she needs a partner to have a family
  • she needs a partner to share the responisbilities of caring for the nest
  • she needs a partner to fix things when they break. she doesnt want to do her own plumbing anymore
  • she needs a partners support to feel really great

See with many women in this day and age to feel like they want a man around is a sign of weakness.

When you are able to admit to yourself that you need a partner to make you happierthan you are then it's a sign of maturity because everybody wants somebody.

Now dont get me wrong men dont want a completely emotionally dependent woman who thinks that they cant go on ifthey dont have your love.

Thats a turn off lol.

But appreciating a man for contributing something positive to your life is not bad.

It actually makes a woman more attractive because it gives the man hope that he can actually make her happy (and this is what we want most of all).

chew on this a little bit and holla back


Lina said...

Well, that was very interesting...a tad misguided, but interesting nonetheless. I think the fundamental difference that sets this adrift is the wants vs. needs factor. If a woman is taking care of herself, and well, she does not need a man, and vice versa. However, a heterosexual woman, independent or otherwise, should want a man for the simple fact that he compliments her own happiness.

Personally, I don't thrust that title out at men, it is men who see me and my life and give me that title. I am not independent by choice, but I have not had a person step up to the plate and take care of me better than I can take care of myself. When that happens, I will gladly allow that person to come in, but until such time I have to make sure I am provided for. And I don't think its outside of a man's ability either, but I would never say that I need a man...I want a man though.

fantasy queen said...

cant wait to read the comments mr tubby!!!hopefully it wouldnt be sharp enough to cut your fingers
funny you mentioned this,just yesterday my friend asked me to go get a boyfriend(hes tired of filling in that void in my life)and we had this same arguement.

i guess you're right,but i'm not being protective cos i've been hurt before, i'm being so cos i've seen so many get hurt and i dont want to be in that situation.
as much as i feel i want a boyfriend, i'm better off where i am(i think)i dont actually need one that i'll feel less than i really am alone.
i think every woman should learn to be independent for her own good. we've got lots of us feeling we cant survive without a man.

Don said...

Damn thats a pretty good and truthful post Tubs. I really don't have anything to add except that (congratulations) you just started some ish and I plan to stalk your comment section all this week.

RealHustla said...

I need to be standing in front of you right now so that I can bop you on the head, LOL!

The knowledge in your head is good, but it's all out of order.

The woman's independence is a learned survival skill. If women had to depend on men for basic needs we and our children would have died out long ago.

A relationship will not make you happy. You must bring happiness into a relationship or else you will be severely disappointed because that man/woman will not be able to provide what you crave. When you learn this THIS is a sign of maturity.

The presence of a man should enhance my life. It should not be burdensome, nor should the absence of one be problematic or reason for sadness.

To suggest that a woman must act even slightly needy to be appealing is a disservice to men everywhere. Bring in your own self esteem to the relationship and you won't be needing me to tone down mine.

That list is accurate but all the words around it are misguided. Yep, a simple bop on the head should knock things back in order. Kisses.

Freeman Press said...

Tubman great post! I know many people will disagree with you because they are letting their wallets dictate their lives. There are some very basic reasons why we need each other and those are instinctual. I think we have to go back to the way we see our brothers and sisters to really understand relationships because that unconditional love is the key. Money is secondary when you have a great woman next to you or man.

Women just want to declare their value through them saying they are independent. I have no issue with that at all but I know my life is easier and her life is easier if we can lean on each other.

Some women will just end up alone playing this game. They have confused who she is and tied that into what she wants and expects. They are not the same. Just like you don't bring business home keep that independent woman thing out in the outside world where it needs to be. When you come home just be a woman because that's all I ever wanted in the first place.

Shai said...
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Shai said...

Realhustla has did it again. I totally agree.

@Tub: *yawning* Sounds more like you have a problem with yourself than the independent women. I know men like to feel needed and the "independence" messes with their egos.

Shai said...

When you are able to admit to yourself that you need a partner to make you happier than you are then it's a sign of maturity because every"body wants somebody."

LOL. SMH. That is a dangerous statement to say a person makes you happier than you already are. REAL dangerous. You bring your own happiness and not depend on someone else making you happy.

Don said...

Yes, realhustla said a mouthful then. I am now under the belief that relationships should only take place where there is enhancement offered and gained.

I'll be back.

nikki said...

lina and real said it...a significant other is there to COMPLEMENT the life, not COMPLETE it.

James Tubman said...

@lina... i tell women this and they dont want to believe it but its true

even if you can pay all of your bills you are still dependent on a man because its a man thats employing you lol

you or any woman out there wouldnt have the opportunites that you all have if men didnt give you those opportunities because men own most of the businesses that hire women

you just arent depended on a man to make you happy

and you shouldnt

a woman should be already happy before she gets into a relationship

that way the guy will be the icing on the cake

unfortunately i didnt make that clear enough in the post

thanx for your comment

@queenie... theres a difference between independent and self willed

self willed means you have the will and the means to go out there and get what you want in life

independent is something that nobody is on the first of this earth lol

i think its just a language barrier that's the problem

i understand it though

i dont think a woman ahould look only to having the affection of a man to make her happy

that is dangerous

because you are setting yourself up for failure

on the other hand i dont think that a woman should act like she doesnt need one or that she wouldnt like to have one either

so even if she is really feeling somebody she might not get too into it because she might think its a sign of weakness to actually like somebody to the point where you might want to go further with them

having feelings for somebody is a natural thing lol

mature people acknoledge their real feelings and arent afraid to show them

i think its just that simple

love you queenie lol

@don... lol

thanx man

im going through something with a female i like (or used to like) so thats why im talking about this

but ijust thought that it needed to be said because so many women are confused now-a-days

@the violent real hustla... lol

im glad i wasnt around you when you wrote that post

i sure would've got a slap upside the head lol

no offense hustla but you and so many other black women need a reality check lol

you still depend on men for survival

the only thing that different now is that you might not be physically living with one now

but who signs your check to give you everything you need to survive

a man

who are you going to call when you need somebody to protect you from a robber or burgler

a man

i cant even really talk to a woman if she doesnt even get this basic principle

see many black woman needs to feel like they are independent in order to function properly in the world

you are strong willed not independent

there is huge difference

holla back

@freeman... i dont mind a strong willed woman

i feel more comfortable around women like that actually

i just dont think that lying to yourself is necessarily a good thing sometimes

because you will miss out on a good thing if you are too "independent"

its a defense mechanism though

they have to feel like they dont need us because if they are too needy they will always be disappointed

i understand that

but sometimes its cool to show your real feelings

because you can front in front of people all you want but when you are home alone wishing somebody can hold you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear and all that jive lol

you are going to realize it then

human beings are experts at lying to themselves

but being in touch with your feelings is the only way you will learn to master them

@shai... it does mess with the mans ego (i guess thats why some women say it all the time lol)

it's still self deception though

i think dealing with reality is more better though

you dont have to try and fool yourself into believing something thats not tru

its like saying i got a million dollars when im flat broke

im sorry but i just think thats a little weird lol

@shai... im glad i gave you a laugh lol

look at the phrase "happier than you are"

this phrase implies that you should already be happy before you get into a relationship

john gray says a woman should be 90% happy before she gets involved

that way the man can make it 100%

it reminds me of neos song

"im good but with you you make me better"

why you only comment when you want to bash me lol

@don 2... i feel you man but things arent always going to be hunky dory

im sure you know that lol

but when you only look for somebody for what they can give to you and dont want to be around when things arent so good then you just using someobdy

i use people in this way all the time so i know lol

thanx man

@hey nikki... love your dreds dear

neither one of our lives will ever be complete

but i think havi a great relationship can deinately get you almost there

Tia's Real Talk said...

Ohhhhh..the claws are gonna come out on you

interesting point. I can see where you are coming from. Usually the woman that says "I'm a strong black woman..." has a deeper meaning. I never called myself that because I don't need to. My life, my trial, my tribulations and how I came out of them says it for me.

You still in trouble..ahahhaha

Jarrai said...

Mr Tubman!!!!!!LOL LOL...are you still in one coming back with my comments..gotta read and digest this post properly :)

Shai said...
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Shai said...

You STILL don't get it. SMH.

James Tubman said...

i love you shai

karrie b. said...

hey tubby tub tubster.

i dont happen to disagree. it's hard being "independent" cause no one supports me. it would be nice to have help paying a bill or 2. i'm just sayin.


RealHustla said...

Well then. Will you please come take care of me so that I can stop living this reality that's not really real and start living your reality? I don't mind.

Obama Mama said...

I agree with the list. and heres my spill....

I know I could take me and my kids and make it anywhere in the world without a man. My mom did it. But all that does not change the fact that I need my husband. I can raise my boys all on my own, teach them how to be good productive citizen of the world, but I need my husband to teach them how to be a man. I can tell my daughter all the things that a good man should have or be, but a good example is better than good advice. True I don't need just any ole man, I just need my man. And I don't want women thinking they have to have a man then stress themselves out over it. Its not that serious. I'm just saying the independent attitude has got to stop if you want to keep a good man around. A man likes to feel like he's a man, like he's doing something, if the woman's doing it all with her independent I don't need no man bullcrap, then why should he stay? Why not stroke his ego, if he's contributing to the family the way he should, helping you take care of your kids. We all like our egos stroked. If i don't do it then the next chic will. Whats wrong with giving into your man? Especially if he's giving to you.

Ain't nothing wrong with needing someone. We all need somebody and for those that don't like men, you still need someone. Not neccessarily to make you happy, but for all those other things in life, like making babies, being in love (which love is considered one of the basic needs for socioemotional survival), making love, and just feeling like you don't have to do everything on your own.

James Tubman said...

there is a war going on between black men and black women in this country

its perpetuted by the white racist media and its perpetuated by the white racist government

its amazing that with all of the negative programming that many of us have been brainwashed with

we still keep getting together, reproducing and staying alive

its really a testament to how strong we are as a people

even though the european has done everything in his power to keep us down we keep rising above it

i love my race

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

I can't disagree with a thing you said.

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

naw man, u aint starting nothing i think u right, add to the mix the ones that claim such never had a father in their lives most likely

Anonymous said...

yada!yada!!blah blah!!!yawn!

Don said...

Definitely a war that seems to be taking place between sistas and brothers - no doubt about that. I hope the women never obtain nuclear weapons, cause I'm not so sure that a few of 'em wouldn't hesitate to use them.

Obama Mama said...

Don you crazy. We wouldn't risk our kids with nuclear warfare. lol.

We love yall, just talk to ya boys, they trippin and making a bad name for everybody. I'm trying to talk to my girls, but they not trying to hear me.

Independent ain't bad if you got to. But you don't have to if you don't want to. I believe women get discouraged easily and so do brothers. Well some cause J.T. made a good point, we keep coming together and reproducing.

Ticia said...

Good job with that list -
I am telling you

I need a man to do man things - How about that! LOL