Wednesday, April 23, 2008

How to deal with an angry black woman in a relationship










Brothers you better take heed lol! Sisters, please forgive me.

This is a hard post for me to do because i know I'm going to get a lot of flack from the sisters. However, sometimes you have to do the right thing and confront many of the persistent issues that are occurring in our lives regardless of how some people feel.

Black woman are the first women that God every created. They are the most beautiful women on earth BY FAR! They have the most power of any other group of women in their communities.

They are wonderful human beings who live to nurture their families and men. I just read an article in essence for the month of April that said that over 40% percent of well to do Black women help some of their family members to pay the bills (more than any other group of women out there).

With all of these great qualities, some are still pretty nuts lol. Of course it's not their fault. Like Pastor Jamal Bryant said, "if you live in a crazy society you are gonna produce crazy children" and unfortunately many Black women were driven crazy begining in their childhood.

First what are some of the symptoms of an angry Black woman and what should guys be aware of:

One who challenges men to fight

One who doesn't know how to have "femine reserve" in the presence of black men

One who confuses anger and aggressiveness with power

One who has to blurt everything to their friends about the man that they are with

One who gains credibility and rank in their group from insulting Black men

One who has no consideration for the feelings of a black man

INABILITY TO SUSTAIN LONG LASTING INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN!!!!!!!!!!


Now there is a looooooooong list of characteristics that we can write endlessly about but we'll stop here because these are some of the most highly visible qualities.


There are many reasons why the angry black woman has this type of orientation towards men (abused by men in previous relationships (1 in 4 black women ahve been sexually abused in their lifetime), society gets her to focus on material wants and selfish desires instead of enahancing relationships with men (major point).






But the main reason why the angry black woman treats the black man with utter contempt and inconsideration is because WE LET THEM!






So what can the black man do to make the relationship with an angry black woman a salvageable one instead of an emotionally hectic one (note: if you have the option of choosing a mild tempered woman over an "angry black woman" you should do so because this will avoid A LOT of DRAMA in the future, but if you love them and truly want to help them you have to do any number of these 5 things):




1) Have a don't give a what attitude:


whenever i would talk to the angry black woman about what she likes in a particular man, in many cases she would say "he has a don't give a fu*k attitude. It took me a while to understand what this means but i think i have some characeristics down




he doesn't wine and complain about his problems




he acts as if he doesn't care about the negativity that might come up in his life




he doesn't catch feelings easy over the woman (if she doesn't want to talk he doesn't complain, he just says fine, and doesn't talk to her (this is one of the angry black woman's tests))




Also, find someone to talk about your issues with besides her because she will use them against you (it's not her fault)




2) Learn about everything you can and be exciting whenever you express it with her




The angry black woman has a low attention span and a low tolerance for boredom so make sure that you keep the conversation EXCITING AND INTERESTING! And you can do this by learning about everything and discussing it with her.




3) If she treats you bad make sure you treat her WORSE!


The angry black woman thinks that she is most powerful when she is angry. Really that is the time when she is the most powerless over her emotions. The BEST thing to do when she berates you in public is to leave her alone FOREVER. But most men aren't smart enough to do that so we have to figure out different ways to deal with her. If possible don't go back and forth, leave the area, or twist it around on her by constantly questioning her behavior. Now when you get home berate her all night and tell her just how terrible and horrible she is (this is what an angry black woman wants you to do anyway). You have to set boundaries if you want her to show you some respect. The best way you can do this is by disrespecting her wen she disrespects you. Therefore whenever the urge comes up to brutally smash you she'll think twice about it lol. And if she continues and you just can't take it don't talk to her for MONTHS. Do yourself a favor and get someone who actually likes you.




Another thing you can do is if she starts to demean you remember a time when she told you something very personal about herself and bring that up. If it was an abusive relationship or situation bring it up and ask her, is this the reason why she is so angry all the time.




You can also try to make her feel guilty by pointing out the harsh things she says everytime she says them and telling her just how mean and evil she is for saying them.




Also you can be completely honest about your feelings about her (don't hold anything back).






4) Always have a sense of humor


People who have a sense of humor even when things are going bad are the most confident people in the world. Laughing is the ultimate healer of negative vibes. When we laugh we are releasing the Neuro transmitter dopamine that flows through our body. This flow produces in us an overall sense of well being throughout our body. Laughing about our problems is VERY helpful. Sometimes you can even disarm her deadly stream of venom just by laughing at her and making her see just how stupid and ridiculous her tirade is. The only time you can't laugh is when you are laying down the law.




5) Have some female friends that you can talk to about these issues.




You need other female friends for two reasons:




ONE: You need to know why she is doing what she is doing and how best to stop her from acting a fool at times. In order to know a black woman you have to ask another black woman about what she is going through. And you better pay attention.




TWO: You need to let the ABW know that there is always someone else in the waiting if she continues to act a fool.




I believe that you need friends of the opposite sex no matter whether you are a man or a woman so your mate won't take you for granted. As long as they know that you will always be there faithfully no matter what they do, they won't respect you.




Just some things to think about




Tell me what you think, and be honest, i'm a veteran of conflict!







62 comments:

RealHustla said...

You should have presented each one of these points to us individually. There's just too much running through my head right now so I can't figure out which statement to comment on first. But what I am thinking is Whaaaaaat!? I hope you fall really hard and quickly in love really soon, then none of this will matter to you. Stop looking for a reason for staying single. Cut the crap man. Angry or not, we need you.

randolph said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
James Tubman said...

this is a tough subject to deal with because there is legitamate anger for the black man from the black woman and vice versa

we need to learn how to forgive each other because i don't think people will willingly hurt someone if they have self love and self respect

the only reason people don't show love is because they haven't had much love shown to them

so instead of always seeking to blame each other and hurt each other we should seek to see what we need and try our best to see that the ones that we love get it

thanx for your comment

lulu said...

does it work?

James Tubman said...

YUP

there have been times when i couldn't get any respect or gratitude from an ABW

but when i employed some of these skills she acted like a little girl around me

i'm not saying that you should use these all the time

because many of these methods are creul lol

but sometimes the way an angry black woman treats ger man is creul

so sometimes you have to fight fire with fire

thanx for being brave enough to leave a comment lol

Eb the Celeb said...

Damn @ 3) If she treats you bad make sure you treat her WORSE!

Thats just straight wrong. What happened to 2 wrongs dont make a right?

And women that want to fight men are fine... as long as the woman is smart enough to decipher which men will and will not hit her back...lol

FREEDOM said...

ANGER is one letter short of DANGER!

Lovebabz said...

James,
I can't believe you! AAarghh! Come on Brother...really!

MysTery said...

Jtub, see now I was expecting yo agree with you on all points before reading the post.

But #3 seems a bit childish to me and a good old example of stooping to their level.

Now I shall be waiting on the "How to deal with an angry black man' post. :)

jameil1922 said...

no. 3 is definitely outrageous but i'm not mad at the rest of this.

Fezzzzzzzzzzz said...

Excellent post...wow...

"But the main reason why the angry black woman treats the black man with utter contempt and inconsideration is because WE LET THEM! "

That summed it up for me...

I think that applies to any grown a$$ bully for that matter. Anyone that's stuck at at puberty emotionally and gets off by knocking others.

Grown a$$ women that challenge men to a fight...always cracks me up and scares the f**k outta me at the same time...That's one wounded soul. You better leave the premises before you die ok. If Shaq came at me, I wouldn't be remotely scared...I don't know why...lol

James Tubman said...

@eb... #3 works

when i was back and forth with my ex she didn't respect me, she didn't answer my calls and i was addicted

when i employed one f the strategies from number 3 i saw respect from her that i haven't seen in YEARS

@freefree... this is why i don't advocate being with the ABW because it could be dangerous lol

the ABW josilates between two extreemes

they either relly like you or they really don't

that's why i think brothers should just stay the hell away from them period if they are blatently disrespectfully

@lovebabz... really lol

i can only go by what works

i know this from peronal experience

i don't know if it was good or bad

but it worked

@mysteriousness... there was a story that someone told me where the king of a country somehow was convinced that he was a turkey lol

he would go around gobbling like one and pecking at food as if he was one

many people tried to snap him out of that but they couldn't do it

until a man came along who acted like a turkey with the king

to make a long story short he got the king to slowly put on some clothes

then he got him to start writing again, then he got him to start talking again and so forth

but he couldn't do that if he didn't first stoop down to the kings level

if we want to rescue somebody it would help to stoop to their level sometimes

thanx boo

@jameil... welcome my sista

sometimes the most outrageous thing actually works

even if it doesn't work you'll still get your revenge lol

@fezzz... thanx for the love my brother

pops doing ok, has he beat you in jeopardy yet lol

but yeah man, when we talk to children do we talk to the with a long vocabualary and do we talk in phrases that they might not understand

i don't

i speak to them with special consideration because i know tht's the only way they'll understand me

if you don't do some of these things and still decide to stay with a ABW

you are going to go through a lot of pain

The Fitness Diva said...

I'm done with this black female bashing.

This subject is incredibly redundant. And pointless.

Clean up your own backyard before telling someone to clean theirs.

That goes for ALL BM. None of you are perfect. And the good ones, when you do see another BM doing wrong, you don't bother to try to correct. You laugh, play along, and act like it's okay. Try schooling and criticizing some of your own first.

Teach some of your boys not to clown and holler every time a woman walks by, acting like complete damn fools. It's undignified for not only me, but you especially. Show some self control and self respect, at least. That's just one point. And stop peeing in hallways where you live. And stop walking up to me grabbing your crotch and licking your lips. WTF??? That shit DOES make me angry. And rightfully so.

I'm done.

I'm calling my Italian BF right now. He likes my spicyness! ;)

Discuss amongst yourselves...

Onome said...

mmmmmmmmmmmm.......i see ABW as particularly violent and such well use ur discretion dont let urself be kicked around but den again dont excite her by being just as violent as she is cos she probably may like it dat way.....frankly i feel dey need some kind of counselling....dats all I have to say

lindwee said...

This subject is of interest debate.
mmmmmmmm....reactions
keep them comimg!

James Tubman said...

@the diva of physical fitness...


thank you for putting yourself out there by making this heartfelt comment

i really appreciate your candor

you know black women have essence, ebony, black women and many many other magazines giving black women advice on how to deal with the opposite sex

where is the black man's ebony's, essences and the like

black men are going to have to deal with the angry black woman either in their relationships their families or in their everyday interactions

they better know how to deal with her if they want to know how to remain sane because there are a lot of ABW's out there

thanx again

please come back with a rebuttle

and please, if you know of any other constructive way to deal with the ABW please let me know

@onone... thank you my friend or visiting

it's obvious that the ABW has serious emotional problems

a a matter of fact i think that they shouldn't even be in a relationship

but unfortunately there are a lot of guys that want to make things work with the angry black woman

almost every relationship i've been in has been with an angry black woman (cuz i'm from the hood)

i know what works because i did the things i'm talking about

if someone has another suggestion please tell me

@lindwee... thank you for gracing this page with your wonderful beautiful presence

we need to talk openly about these issues without being afraid of confrontation

this is my opinion

i want others to give me there's

that's all

James Tubman said...

OH CRAP

I'M SO SORRY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVEBABYZ

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIRTHHHHHH DAY MISS LOVEBABYZ

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

YEAAAAA WOOOO HOOOOOO YEA!!!!!

AND MANY MORE LOL

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

honestly, if a sista really that mad, none of the above will work, cause they will use them against u so i just listen, and that gets them madder lol. have a great weekend folk

James Tubman said...

@torry stephenopolis...

LOL at that answer man

i gotta try that one lol

thanx my brother

Afrobabe said...

If she treats you bad make sure you treat her WORSE!

Two wrongs dont make a right love...

James Tubman said...

it's not wrong to stand up for yourself

Mizrepresent said...

Why would any man remain with this type of woman you described...if he does and she's angry...then he is CRAZY! I know this sister, i do...she was my brother's ex-girlfriend that nearly killed him...that's what it took for him to finally leave.

James Tubman said...

@mizrepresentationalism...

some men are used to being abused by others so they only feel right when they are with a woman who is abusing them

it sounds crazy to an outsider but to that individual it makes a lot of sense

sure enough there are a lot of guys out here like that

some unfortunately have to learn the hard way

thank you for your words miz

MysTery said...

LOL! Just finished reading your turkey story. That is quite funny. However I have been helped without people stooping to my level when I was acting up. But I feel you...

and ur welcome boo!
Lol.

Peace!

Gotta Let it Out said...

With all due respect…

I don't even know how to begin commenting on this post...

I'm just utterly disgusted at the black female bashing that just took place within this post, and am really disappointed in this.

1.Whatever female told you that “keep your whining to yourself” shit is an immature retard. A woman—A WOMAN wants to be there for her man in a time of need. Don’t bottle that shit up and act like you don’t have a care in the world. You are human, right dude? So you have problems just like the rest of us… right? And a real woman doesn’t stab you when you’re down, using your “issues” against you during a fight… we’re grown-ups here buddy.

2.Good gawd this is silly… children have low attention spans. Adults—all adults can get bored. Boredom requires change. Learn for the sake of appreciation of knowledge… not because you fear boring your partner.

3.Remember when your mom said “treat others as you want to be treated”… yeah lets just go with that. Any woman who “responses/changes” due to this mentality is a child and needs to grow up. Two wrongs don’t make a right, it only makes two jackasses.
4.Okay… my man has a great sense of humor… but this can only get you so far.

5.I’m disgusted by part 2 of this comment. What type of relationship are we referring to with these facts? If anyone would subject themselves to being in a relationship where any of the these 5 factors are prominent, they deserve every bit of pain they are going through. They need to get it together and have some respect for themselves. Self worth can be learned and taught.

Again, this really hurt my heart to read. I’m lover a black men, an advocate for any good black man. I just can’t even fathom that someone actually feels this way about “black women” as a whole.

I have a headache.

James Tubman said...

@gotta let it out... thanx for stoping by i hope you come back again to defend your beliefs because i have no problem defending mine

can you please tell me how to deal with a black woman who's only purpose in life is to make men miserable

if you so vehemently described why wht i said then certainly i am positive you have some other alternatives

can i please have them

because if you don't have any alternatives there is no use in bringing up a problem

even if you don't come back thanks for stopping by anyway

James Tubman said...

@get it all out part 2... i just thought of this too

what would you do if a man ignored the hell out of you when you were just trying to be nice

what would you do if a man just used you for your money and didn't care at all about your feelings

what would you do if a man told everything about you to his friends and they laughed about all of this stuff behind your back

i can go on and on but i'll stop there

you would probably clearify this issue with a lot of people if you answered these questions for me

i don't want to give you another headache lol

but if it will cause one then please don't answer

James Tubman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gotta Let it Out said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gotta Let it Out said...

And answers to your questions...

1. ) I’d write him off and keep it pushing… he obviously isn’t worthy of my time, right? However, I wouldn’t display bitchasness with him, because why mess up my blessing? I’d stay true to my “kindness” but still keep it pushing.

2.) I’d take it as a lesson learned and keep him out of my life. Holding grudges grieves the holy spirit… so I’m working on this. LOL. But really though, I’d get him out of my life cause he ain’t good peoples.

3.) This would hurt. But again, he’s not worthy of me, if he is this immature. I’d have to be out once again… I don’t waste my time with nonsense.

Gotta Let it Out said...

Tubman, I believe its all about the company you keep. Your points do not apply to black women in general… they apply to trifling and or ignorant women in genera;. A real woman won’t stand for these things. So to answer your question… you need to choose your company a little better. Any woman who’s only purpose in life is to make men miserable obviously has more going on in her life that you or I even can help her with. She needs to get right, rather that be through God or through counseling.

If you must deal with this woman…. You can’t get her out of your life and she’ll be around forever, then you set the terms. You decide what treatment you will and will not accept from her, and when unacceptable behavior is displayed, you take the higher road and take yourself out of the situation. This woman obviously doesn’t have enough respect for you or herself, so why belittle yourself by stooping to her level? Don’t. You should be better than that.

James Tubman said...

@got to give it up... lol

i wonder what your sign is

i think i'm starting to like you lol

so saying all of that do you believe that a large porion of women would not be as reserved as you are in that situation

and might actually act a fool lol

Gotta Let it Out said...

I'm a gemini... and I think WOMEN would generally act as a woman should... with dignity and respect. Like a lady, not a fool.

James Tubman said...

i agree with you babes

but what do you do about the ones who don't act lika quote un quote lady

the women angry black woman is not just a figment of my imagination

they actually exist

so do you think i shouldn't talk about these women and not try to help the brothers who have to unfortunately deal with these people

Gotta Let it Out said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gotta Let it Out said...

The ones who don't act like a lady actually come in all colors... I hate that "aggrevsiveness" is only associated with black women. Thats crap. It comes in all forms. An angry woman doesn't just come with black skin. White women and Latin women are just as aggresive depending on the circumstances.

So yeah...they exist, I'm not denying that. What you have to remember is that as an adult you have a choice... you have a choice not to put up with crap. If you've got an angry woman on your hands, spewing ugliness right back out isn't going to change anything. But showing her a real man, who wants a real woman, changes the game. Don't feed into that negativity and it will disperse.

antipop said...

eish tubman, this is a lil harsh no?
walk away forever?
at that rate shall we ever have any black women that's hooked up?
loved the post tho. veri funny

James Tubman said...

@gotta let it all hang out... now that's true

i haven't heard of a black woman cutting off a brothers johnson or running him over with an SUV

she might threaten to do that but she won't lol

all i want to do is give guys concrete solutions concerning things that actually work

i'm sorry i think i might still have some bitchassness let in my system

however, everything should be centered on solving problems

if it's just to let out your personal frustrations on somebody or be creul and mean to someone then it serves no value

but if you are intending to solve problems then it's all good

i chalenge you to write a post for black men on how to deal with the ABW

then we compare answers

if your answers are better than mine then i'll acquiesce

if not oh well

whatta ya say

@antipoppy... i'm glad you have a sense of humor

shows that you are a very confident woman

well ideally you should walk away

therefore there won't be too many women doing this in the future because they'll see that it won't work

YoungBlackBeauty said...

First off, thank you for the nice comments on my blog. I actually make my boyfriend pump when I can. But this post, is out of control. So many thoughts are running through my head I could be here all day going off. Bottom line, the advice your giving above is the reason some black women are angry now. It's gonna piss me off more if a man starts talking down on me and having a I don't care attitude. Your statements are a little contradicting.

nywele said...

Hello James. Thank you for visiting my blog and for your comments. This post is actually quite harsh!!
Many have given great comments. I don't agree with the "treat her worse", it would do nothing good but fuel the anger and frustration don't you think?
I RUN AWAY from angry people,especially if i know that i am not the source and they're still fighting with past issues...

James Tubman said...

@black and beautiful... i'm yet to find a black woman who openly agreed with me on this issue lol

i can see why

that's the thing though

get her angry so she can know how you feel

and hollering louder than her acting a fool more than her but not hitting though

if she hits the guy it's time to step off at least for a month or so

so she can really think about it

and she can be forced to come to grips with who she really is

but beauty i'm sorry the angry black woman is extreeme so you have to be extreeme with her in order to give some kind of balance to the relationship

now do i advocate using this formula all the time

no when she's nice you can be nice to her

but when she's mean you be mean to her

nobody should have a free pass to be mean

i don't care who they are

thanx for leaving a heartfelt comment

and if you have any other alternatives besides leaving them

please let me know


@nywele... thanks boo for stoping by

i typically run away from confrontation myself

but sometimes you can't run from it

especially if you have to eal with this person on a day to day basis

instead of always running sometimes yu have to face your fears

that is the problem with this escapist mentality

after a while you aren't able to face the normal things in life if you are always running

now of course if you can avoid being with this person by all means you should

but if you want to try you hve to show her that you mean business

and hey will thank you for it in the long run

because many ABW out there want to be checked

they need to be

they want that father they never had

so sometimes you have to supplement that role in the relationship
if you have a different way of dealing with the ABW please let me know

thanx for stoping by

@

F&F - Fresh And Fab said...

the rest are kinda aight, but i dont think i could pull of #3.

nice post though

AkaniZZle said...

whoa, i thinkt hese solutions would make the agry woman much more angry

James Tubman said...

@the fresh & fabulousness... it's difficult because many of us think it's wrong to do tit for tat

except when they are really upset of course lol

the ABW in more cases than not has been severely abused

and in order to snap out of this abuse she may have to first get he abuse that she's so used to getting

i'm not saying that you should put your hands on her

you shouldn't

what i am saying is if you want to stay with her (god help you lol) you are going to have to show her that her disrespectful behavior will not be tolerated

period

this is just for the guys who WANT to help the ABW

thanx homie

@Akanizzle... love your name baby

sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures

i have to do another post on this issue because you all have cleared up some issues for me

and i need to clerify

thank you for telling it like it is homie

Rich said...

I couldn't tell if you were serious or trying to be satirrical.

But one thing you said stuck out. you get treated bad, because you let people treat you that way. Agreed.

Afrobabe said...

There is no way you can justify treating someone worse.

Now in the nigerian society I can understand it as divorce is frowned on but In the american society why don't you just walk rather than make both lifes miserable..she treats you bad, you talk about it a lot, nothing happens...then its time to walk!!!

Don't justify wickedness...

James Tubman said...

@rich... i don't think there are too many people from the hood on here lol

thanx for droping a line my brother

it's interesting how everybody feels sorry for the ABW (and she dooes desreve sympathy) but nobody feels sorry for the victim of her abuse

the poor brother who's attached to her emotionally

where is the sympathy for the unfortunate man who is trying to help this sort of woman with her problems

and guess what therapy doesn't work in most cases

by standing up to her and showing her that that kind of behavior won't be tolerated you are actually helping her to respect men more

i'm not saying you should act like this all the time

you should reward her when she is being nice with niceness back

but when she is deliberately trying to hurt you and she has absolutely no sympathy for you (it's best to dump her) but if you are emotionally attached you will actually help her if you stand up and rebuke that evil spirit out of her mind

if you have any other alternative please let me know

peace my brother

@afropuff... have you ever had someone in your life who you were so attached to that it was hard to leave that person

or have you ever had someone who you knew would be a good match if they fixed some of their problems, let them go then regreted it later on

you would make me the happiest human being in the world if you answered this question

Don said...

"ooooooooooooooh..."

hahahahahahahaha.

Don said...

nah seriously. i love black women. i also hate black women. i love the fact that they are what a brother wants and needs, but i hate the fact that black women can be some evil muggs, when they want to be.

can't live with 'em. can't live without 'em. i know i will never understand how a woman works, so i stop trying. i agree @ having a sense of humor works wonders.

true story: back in the day i used to treat this one female like i could care less. she loved me til death. then once i fell for her, and treated her like she was my heart, she crushed me. then she even had the nerve to look me in my face and say that i was no longer a challenege...

so, yeah, i'm scarred like some black women are. lol.



great post, tubs.

James Tubman said...

@don the man... it's nice to have someone who at least tries to see things from your perspective

what did Fredrick Douglass say

"there is no progress, without struggle"

creating a great relationship takes time and energy

it also takes skills that many of us have not developed because we are so cut off from the knowledge that it takes to make a relationship work

and because many of us feel that we don't have to because there are so many ways that we can have our cake and eat it too

this something i did myself

we not only want challenges in our relationships

WE NEED THEM

your input is always needed my brother

even though you put your neck out there for me lol

peace be unto you

Shai said...

All that's called being ornery. Be mature and leave the ABW alone.

Evil for evil never does any good. Gotta Let It Out some good and valid points.

D'lee Trecia said...

i was an angry blk woman in training.. i snap out of it unless somebody bring up foolishness....

ok.. umm
i moved.........

James Tubman said...

@shai... thanx for droping a line

you ever wonder why we as blacks always seek to run whenever the going gets tough

that is the definition of a coward

if our neighborhood is rough we wanna leave without seeing what we can do to make things right

and sometimes just doing one thing is enough to change the conditions that you live in or change the mindset of the person

i'm not saying that you should never run from a situation

what i am saying is what would you think of a person who did that to you

thanx

@d'lee... you still are lol

but some of us do have a legitamate right to be angry

but just because you are angry doesn't mean that you should seek to take it out on innocent targets

you can of course

but for each action there is a definte reaction lol

thank you my dear

guerreiranigeriana said...

uh...dunno what to say for this post...dunno the kind of women you associate with...i don't even know if i can call such people women...i don't know that any of the solutions you gave would work towards building a healthy relationship...especially the 'if she treats you bad, treat her worse'...how good does that make one feel to be publicly demeaned and then to go home demean and berate the person who caused such disgrace?...sounds sick and twisted...and no one is learning in that situation...

...she needs help and so does ole boy, if he is willing to stay in that mess...

James Tubman said...

@g nigeria... she's learning that if she does that again she's going to get a lot of pain back lol

have you ever been in a relationship where you stayed with someone ever though they have treated you bad

me and don must have been the only ones that have done this lol

i guess you wouldn't understand me if you hadn't done this before

if you have anohter alternative please let me know

thanx g lol

Smarty Jones said...

Wow is all I can say. OK, since I don't know you and I'm new to your spot, I will let this be a warning to you and your brethern.
IF YOU TRY THIS WITH A REAL WOMAN, ANGRY OR NOT, YOU WILL LIKELY GET A BEAT DOWN!
A lot of what you said in this post was offensive and childish. I don't see a single point that could help you "deal" with any of the grown women I know.
This shyt might work on a chick in her late teens, maybe even her early 20s but this will not fly with a grown ass woman.
To your symptoms, as far as challenging a man to fight, in most cases, if a woman challenges a man to a fight, she's already sized you up and has your ass beat before the fight starts.
WTF is feminine reserve? I think this is a term made up by a guy who doesn't know how to be a man about his shyt. Perhaps he is unable to "man up."
As far as anger, aggression and power, maybe the women this particular man feels powerless in all situations.
As far as insulting black men, do you mean while they are with their friends or when they are out? It's not clear by the statement.
And no consideration for the black man's feelings? Does this man consider her feelings?
And the best one has to be ther inability to sustain long lasting interpersonal relationships with me. It's funny you say that this is a characteristic of being angry. Why can't it be being careful?
Honestly, none of this is merited and it makes you sound like you're a lil' wounded and controlling.
In a relationship, no one should be looking to "deal" with anyone. You are supposed to be help mates, there for helping each other. In your comments earlier you said something about a female acting like a little girl around you.
Who wants that?

poet9000 said...

Bro. James,
Unfortunately, we seem to forget just how damaging slavery was/is to us. Some people may or may not agree with this post, but the reality is that we are still suffering from the effects of our bondage. The brutalization, humiliation, animal style breeding and forced labor did not disappear with the appearance of the Emancipation Proclamation, the Civil Rights movement or the Million Man March (or any of the subsequent marches for justice).

The horrible events that our people endured (and are still enduring) was/is excused, swept under the political rug or written off as so called black history and not part of a larger history (that goes unexplained in the education system) of our people’s heritage – that speaks of why we were brought here in servitude.

What does all of this have to do with the ABW? Well, the mindset that she has comes from our slavery condition. The black woman is not alone, black men too, deal with the effects of the mental damages of the slave experience. We were created divinely by the Most High and the white man turned us men and women to “Negroes”. If you had any doubts, the “Negro” is an American made product. We have been taught to distrust one another and trust the white man. We have been taught to hate one another and fear and love the white man. The black woman has been taught to be angered by a variety of circumstances. She is angered by the fact that her man (the black man) has been rendered powerless by a system designed for his failure. She is angered by black men participating in the destruction of their own community. And let’s not forget good ole’ Willie Lynch pitting black men and women at odds with each other (if he didn’t exist, his program is very real).

As black men, we have failed to protect, nurture and support her as she should be (look at television, videos, music, etc). The white man has ruined our family structure during slavery and as a result of our dependency on the system; our families continue to be ripped apart.

As black men what do we do in response to our “ghettoized” or bourgeoisie sistas”? Do we abandon them; start dating outside of our race? Do we continually react to hurtful actions in like manner? I say that we must love the literal “hell” out of one another in order to create change.

Love is nurturing, empowering, forgiving and truthful. As children of former slaves we have to learn how to love-true love. This does not mean that we should be stepped on, pushed around or slapped (men or women). It simply means that we should think, reevaluate and consider our actions towards one another. We are all we have in this place. Our women need healing. Black men need healing.

One thing I can say Bro. James, you provide a platform for these tough issues that face our community. Black men, we gotta get ourselves together. Our women and children need us. It’s hard, but as men we are born to do it.

James Tubman said...

@smaty jones... ouch lol

i really apreciate you coming by

DAG!

you really did keep it real in this one lol

i thank you for posting this because i need to learn how to deal with negative criticism

and your entry definately will not be forgotten

okay, this is why we definately shouldn't get with an ABW unless we are prepared to go the distance

because the possibility of a violent attack is eminent (even though it's highly unlikely)

the angry black woman in a sense is a bully

"I don't see a single point that could help you "deal" with any of the grown women I know."

do you know the difference between a grown woman and an ABW

let me ask you something miss "smarty"

if this post will in no way help Black men to deal with the ABW

then please tell me what will

you obviously know why my opinion is wrong

if you have this kind of harsh criticism against this post then CERTAINLY i know you have the answer

i challenge you to read this response and give an answer that doesn't require leaving the person because i already said that

and also, don't just give me some half cocked, mumbo jumbo

no

bring me your answer and the logic behind it

see it might look like i didn't do any research for this post but i did (this is why i should quote my references and will not hesitate to do so in the future)

first of all i have used the scientific method in coming up with this conclusion (personal experience)

i have listened to the stories of how other men have dealt with the ABW and have come to very similar conclusions

and i have done research on the psychological disorder that mainly suits the ABW called "borderline personality disorder" (look on wikipedia for info on this and you will see that many of the symptoms for a boderline woman resembles that of an angry black woman)

i've done the painstaking research and what kind of research backs up your conclusions

i know that you are a woman that doesn't back away from a challenge

thanx again and i hope to see something from you very soon

peace

@poet9000... you know your stuff is always welcomed my brother and i'm glad you stoped by

i wasn't going to put this out because i know that this would be EXTREEMLY controversial

but i felt i had to because there are thousands of good brothers out there who are being emasculated and denigrated by Black women who will pick on anyone who won't fight back

in my opinion, the definition of love is giving someone what they need in order for them to grow properly

the ABW has no self-love

because you love what you respect and by acting in an intimidating manner to someone who is obviously bigger and stronger than her she is unaffraid of what the consequences might be and therefore is very dangerous lol

she cannot be toyed with

in order to get her to at least consider her feelings you have to stoop down to her level

then when she sees that you mean business then and only then will she be willing to not only repect the one that she's with but show self respect

this strategy is for a guy (the poor soul lol) who is mentally strong enough to live up to the challenge of going one on one with the ABW

it is a daunting task because you have to completely commit yourself

and if by chance you happen to turn the one around and she see's how she treated you she will begin to regret her behavior and she will thank you for helping to brak free from this possessed spirit that she is under

i've tried this formula out

and it worked for me

what really worked for me is when i pointed out everything she said or did that was derogatory

but the angry black woman also needs to realize that how she is is not her fault

like you said she was created to be an agent against the progress of her own race

but she can't even get in that state to learn unless she is called down

now guys should definately do this over the phone 1st lol

then maybe work up to in person

if she just stops calling you then the brother has saved himself major headaches and really should be thankful

i'm going to have to write a corrector's post for this one

always a pleasure my brother

i need your "conscious" input to keep me grounded in my roots sometimes lol

Smarty Jones said...

Soon enough? :-) I don't see this as a challenge by the way. It is, however, an opportunity for enlightenment on both parts.
Of course I know the difference between an ABW and a grown woman. First off, I happen to be a grown woman and experience(s) have everything to do with it. And for the record, I never said your opinion was wrong, I just don't agree with it.
Since you've done your research and found a psychologocial disorder and on wikipedia no less, not a reliable source by the way, you should also have found that you can't classify people by personality because they are all different.
I worked in the mental health profession for a brief time, long enough to know that you can not group all people together because you think they act alike.
Since you've got "personal experience" with ABWs, maybe it's you who is making them angry. :-) I heard a theory once that we keep dating the same people over and over again because something about us attracts those particular characteristics.
All of the behavior you have described is that of a woman who is still acting out as a child and she probably has some residue from her childhood that's not been properly dealt with.
To call all of these women ABWs is a cop out. Instead of taking time to find out why she is distressed or angry as you say, you'd rather rile her up and be childish instead of trying to rectify the problem.
And something I noticed in your response, you didn't disagree with trying to control the woman. It seems to me that the "research" you've been using, makes the ABW some sort of a scientific phenomena that can be explained with experiments.
Newsflash darling, we can't be. People period are too complicated for explantion therefore there is no exact science, even some parts of psychology aren't exact. There's a reason for that, people are different. We all have similarities but we are all different, just like snowflakes. Snowflakes are all made of snow but you won't find two exactly alike.
And as far as backing up my research, like you, I have personal experience baby. I am a grown ass woman that people mistake for an ABW because I won't be run over or controlled.
And since you and poet9000 are discussing love, let's see what the Good Book has to say about it.
"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.
It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."
Oh, for the record, that's I Corinthians 13:4-8.

James Tubman said...

@smarty jones... thank you for stoping back again

your input is appreciated and your comments have been noted

however i still don't see an answer so i don't even want to waist my time to respond

i'll be waiting though

thanx again

karrie b. said...

*strolls in, takes a seat, and takes a sip of wine*

nice post. i like how you laid it down in a non-demeaning way.

-KB

James Tubman said...

@kb... that was very sweet of you to say

i know you might not like some of it, but instead of digging in me, you withstood it and just said something nice

thank you