Monday, February 25, 2008

How to stop anybody from irritating you

When we get angry and upset we tend to lash out at the one who made us upset. Or so we think.

In actuality nobody can make you upset! This is a common myth that many of us erroneously believe. Everything is based on our interpretation of the issue. If somebody made you upset with the words they said, then you chose to ruin your whole day based on a couple of words that were mentioned. Think about how crazy this is.

It seems like this is some positive thinking, mumbo-jumbo that never works. No! This way of thinking works. It's simple to learn and in order not to fall into the trap of getting overly emotional whenever somebody says or does the meanest things to you, you have to learn this technique and apply it to your daily life.

The first thing you have to learn is whenever someone unleashes a spate of harsh words in your direction, or tries to hurt you in any way, if you know for sure that you are not the cause of the problem, don't get emotional .

Most people holler and scream at us because they're angry and they want us to feel as bad as they do. If you get upset and overly emotional, they've achieved what they set out to do. Don't give them this power.

To stay in an unemotional state whenever somebody's trying to piss you off, you have to keep in mind that whatever they're saying is about them and their issues not you and yours!

When somebody attacks you with evil intent, and you can't avoid it, (which is the best thing to do) do this and you'll get them to stop.Instead of saying something like, "I don't know who you think your talking to," or "I didn't do anything to you," take a deep breath, exhale, and say something like, "wow, it seems as if your really upset today," or ask them "why are you so angry today?"

This simple technique is very powerful, because when you say something like this it forces them to get defensive, and when anyone gets defensive they'll always try to justify their behavior, taking some of the pressure off of you.

Remember, the person who is asking the questions in any conversation is the one who has control. Maintain your control of the conversation by constantly asking them questions about their behavior. Don't say anything about yourself, because as soon they get that one opportunity to dump their own garbage on you, they will.

I repeat, "Don't say anything about yourself," because it's not about you, it's about them.

And please try not to say anything too harsh, especially if it's your mate because you might regret it in the future. You don't have to drop to their level in order to make them stop, unless you absolutely believe that it's necessary.

After a while they'll start to get sick of having to foolishly explain themselves and they'll shut up. You'll notice them getting uncomfortable. If you want to continue talking to them this is the perfect time to change the subject, or say "it's ok," and move on to something else. If you don't, walk away knowing that you out smarted them because you kept your cool under pressure.

There are other ways to stop someone from verbally abusing you. We'll talk about them more in an upcoming piece.

stop settling for less in your relationships. you have the power to change your partner for the better. if you have an open mind don't be afraid to click here to learn more.


Opinionated Diva said...


Opinionated Diva said...

"It seems like this is some positive thinking, mumbo-jumbo that never works."
I'm gonna go ahead and agree with that line Tubby. Sorry. It is hard not to get irritated with someone who does something wrong to you. It is about you, when they do it deliberately.

"After a while they'll start to get sick of having to foolishly explain themselves and they'll shut up." You haven't met my mother. That woman can go on and on for days...and you don't even have to say one word back! IRRITATING!!!

In theory, saying "wow, it seems as if your really upset today," or ask them "why are you so angry today?"...sounds good, but what do you say once they say "shut up bitch"? Huh????

I'm just sayin...

James Tubman said...

that's crazy i was just on yours

Opinionated Diva said...


James Tubman said...

what does that mean

James Tubman said...

@op d...think about a time when you were completely calm and rational and put yourself in that state everytime somebody bothers you

it's just as easy and as simple as that

Anonymous said...

simple, yes. easy? i think not. but it's better than strangling someone or verbally letting them have it.

James Tubman said...

@op d...when somebody goes on and on talk about a subject that they are uncomfortable with to get them to shut up

James Tubman said...

@camille... this definately better than causing someone physical harm

think about a time when you were calm and rational and put yourself in that state when someone bothers you

i've done it many times

Anonymous said...

I have heard something like this before... oh my gosh how can one be so slowwwwww....i'm an emotional basket case... well not the point...
I acknowledge that i do these... both guilty and innocent...

Brother James.. I lil sis thank you for this post... we keep forgetting how simple life is. but being stubborn as we all are we refuse to use or thinking caps... blah blah, you get the idea....

anonymous gal said...

im wit opinionated diva on this. some pple go on and on and on. geez

Anonymous said...

Thank YOU!

Shai said...

I agree with OpD on on the person deliberately doing something to you. I mean I just had this happen and the person is a jerk I have to deal with. I wish I did not. He plays it off being calm yet is cruel. Then wonders why I don't like him.

desperate lady said...

james did u do this post cos of me? hmmmmmm lol

FREEDOM said...

Very good stuff!

I am going to have to practice using some of these techniques.

Usually I get completely quiet and don’t say a word. I just let the person keep talking until they finally shut up.

I have learned that it takes two to argue. And if I don’t participate, it is extremely hard to argue all by yourself.

Don said...

Helluva post!

You are 100% correct. Tubman, it took me a long, long, long time to truly understand the truthful words in your post. We can either choose to give these kinds of people power, or we can chose not to. I sometimes will act like I don't know what a person is talking about (playing dumb) because it takes away from what "they think" they accomplish. Man, I love this post.

"wow, it seems as if your really upset today," or ask them "why are you so angry today?"

And this never, ever, EVER, fails.

Lovebabz said...

James I think you are right on point! It is very zen...very metaphysical. It is not a skill that can be mastered overnight. It takes practice to stand in your space and not be pulled out of it.

Meditation can help train your mind to be still and not to physically react. And you are right when folks are going off and you know it's not about you, don't dance with them. And if they are going off about something they percieved you've done...again don't dance with them.

Ego tells you to not be punked, but being centered in self reminds you that it's not your deal.

dejanae said...

sounds good in theory
not too much
besides when folk ask me why i'm mad, i just get
when a lot of emotion is involved logic tends to fly out the window

Fezzzzzzzzzzz said...

What a post....

Just the advice I needed....I'm really working on that takin-everything-personal side of me, and this entry was a useful read dawg...

You nailed it...It's nothing but emotional powerplay when people lash out at you and you are left thinking 'what the F*** did I do?'. If you know for fact you have nothing to do with their misery, there is no reason to engage with their behavior...The key, like you said, is recognizing those moments instead of getting swept by the -ve energy coming your way...


Mizrepresent said...

Yeah, i need to remember this more often...i don't usually get upset and go off...but i keep alot in. Great post!

antipop said...

hey tubman, this is easier said than done. it is very hard to keep your cool when some one is poutright being mean to you especially when you are not to blame!
thnx for dropping at ,mine. i appreciate

antipop said...

great post by the way. i will definately take some of it to heart. especially,
"wow, it seems as if your really upset today," or ask them "why are you so angry today?"
that ought to throw them...
again, lovely post

James Tubman said...

@koffee dyme... we were taught to be emotional since day one

we have to retrain ourselves to be logical

having a logical state of mind just means that you think in terms of cause and effect

if i do this what will be the cause

and if the detriment out weighs the benefit don't do it

@anonymous... if they go ono and on talk about a subject that is uncomfortable to them

or ask them very private questins like were you abused as a child or something like that lol

if it's in front of an audience and you keep your cool they won't say as much if you ask the right question

learning a different way of thinking and acting should be fun

make a game out of it in some way

when you see how they act that will make you laugh

@b-bap.. thank you

@shai shai... i understand

if you are having problems with him approach him with his friends and ask him stuff like why are you so mean to me and why were you so angry that day and so forth in front of important people

he'll be ashamed and won't bother you anymore after that

we all want to look good in the eyes of those we like and if you threaten that then he'll definately stop treating you that way

@DL...maybe lol

@hey baby... that's good right there

and if you can stand it emotionally while the person is doing that then it's very effective

but some people might not have that will power like me sometimes

so i just gave this example just in case you wanted to retaliate in a civilized way

this can be very effective if you are not bottling things up

cuz if you are somebody can say the wrong thing to you and next thing you know you are on the 6:00 news lol

there are many ways to release your anger and anxiety in a positive manner

i'll show you how to do it

as always you enlighten me

thank you baby

@The Don... yours is good too

this gets them angry and it's in the form of a question about them but it has I in it

even though that might work for you i don't recommend you saying ANYTHING about yourself because they can always use the i stuff against you

@love... that's what it's all about

balancing the ego with the logical

meditaition is an excellent excellent way of balancing this interplay

i highly recommend meditation

i think this is one of the reasons i've had problems over the years becasue i stopped doing this

this will help you not be emotional when you are placed in this situation

@dejanae... that is exactly what you are supposed to do

the person gets more and more angry

you constantly show them how stupid they are and they'll probably leave

let them get the last word as long as they leave

i've done this with a woman i was involved with

it took some tiime lol

i even lost my cool a few times but as soon as i came back to the method everything was good

but she was smart because i already told her about this so she countered my questions with her own questions

you have to be presistent with this

@fezzzz... fez man i'm telling you that is the key

a doctor said that you have to hear something 200 times before you learn it

keep coming back you got 199 to go lol

@miz... thanx

i'll give a post about some good ways to blow off steam

sometimes i don't say anything too

but i don't keep the angry because i'm a pisces and i forgive easy lol

@a pop... lol at your post

why you putting that man business out there like that lol

yeah i hope you get something out of it

you can even approach him with this

Afrodite said...

" 'take a deep breath, exhale, and say something like, "wow, it seems as if your really upset today," or ask them "why are you so angry today?' "

Great way to turn the situation around!

Afrobabe said...

I get upset to the point that I can no longer function...good thing is I forget too quickly....I get angry,upset,feel like I am gonna explode then realise when I try to tell someone else that I can't even RemembeR the issue....

so I just let it like magic...

Ms. Lovely said...

I gotta try this in the hospital these cranky ass doctors and nurses

ChocolateTopaz said...
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ChocolateTopaz said...

I'm the type of person who normally doesnt get upset or irritated easily. Why? because i think its a waste of energy, like the saying goes why cry over spilt milk it doesnt help. If its a negative person get them out of your life or limit your contact, if its a situation find a solution. This has always been my approach to such issues but lately some ppl have been majorly getting on my nerves and got me to get really mad which i have not been in a long time. Although iknow its all them and not me. It just gets to a point where it's unbearable especially when you have to work with these individuals. Anyways what you said was helpful and i will really ask them what Their problem is when they try to rub their stress on me next time(prob tomm). So thanx and nice blog i didnt get through a lot but what i saw i liked. I will be back

ChocolateTopaz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.