Thursday, December 6, 2007

Brothers: Why We Argue In The Relationship And How To Stop The Big Ones

So why do we argue?

We argue because we feel as if we're not being treated the way a man should be treated.

In an earlier post I talked about the greatest needs a man has and how
to fulfil them.

To specify it more clearly a man needs to be appreciated for what he does, accepted for who he is and trusted to do his best.

If we don't get these needs met we become cold and heartless towards the woman, we stop caring about her feelings and the relationship has less and less enjoyment.

Sometimes we can fulfil these needs in other ways, through meaningful work, sports, addictions, other women.

However, the one who we really want to supply these needs for us is the woman we love (or think we love).

When we are arguing we typically do one of two things.

We get angry, we raise our voice, we blame, we try to intimidate, we harshly criticize and the woman has to walk on eggshells so that she can reduce this reaction as much as possible.

Or we withdraw from the argument, and we walk on eggshells so that we don't say that thing that pushes her button.

We also withold certain nice things we used to do because we feel as if we're not being appreciated.

Neither one of these strategies work.

The only thing that works is to see what she needs emotionally at the time and give that to
her as much as possible.

The good thing about this is, in most cases, you won't have to open you're wallet.

Because, as i said in how to make a woman happy during her most difficult times, the things she needs from a man most, when we're arguing with her, is respect, understanding and to have her feelings treated with care and empathy.

It sounds mushy and feely but if you want a good relationship, and all of the wonderful benefits that come with it, you gotta do it.

Let's get specific.

What do we do to piss her off without knowing it (in most cases)?

We get upset when she's upset, thinking it's our fault,

we disregard her feelings by telling her "don't worry about it" (they really hate this),

we try to explain why she shouldn't feel a certain way (that really get's her mad),

and we do a lot of other things that i'll mention in a later post.

So what can we do when we slip up and do one of the things she hates?

There are many strategies that you should use based on what she's mad about.

However the 4 A strategy can work wonders.

So what's that?

The 4 A strategy is

admit that you were not considering her feelings in the way she thinks you
should have (appologize if necessary),

ask her what she wants from you,

be attentive while she explains what she wants, and

accept what she wants, and if you want a nice woman instead of a you know what, do it.

There are some cardinal rules that you should follow when implementing this new technique.

#1 You should listen whenver she talks without interupting because she has to express herself

#2 Don't take offense it's just how she feels at the time, not all the time

#3 Let her know that you respect her feelings and will try to make things right

#4 Get a female to help you practice this (your mother, sister, friend whoever) and go over this
strategy in your own mind.

Practice staying calm through all this, because if you can do this you will have a woman who will be willing to do anything for you because her needs are being met.

Some brothers are probably saying "what about me?"

Your time will come, trust!

And if you screwed up a lot in the past you might have to do this for weeks to make things right.

stop settling for less in your relationships. you have the power to change your partner for the better. if you have an open mind don't be afraid to click here to learn more.


diary of a G said...

wow I've been checking your posts briefly....very interesting!!!I'll be back
thanks for stopping by
I'll holla

Unknown Blogger said...

O dear, u've worn ma heart with dis post, if I was in good terms with ma ex, I wud've asked him 2 read dis.
Ur a sweetheart!

Vamþ said...

I've heard this one so many times from the males in my cicle "To specify it more clearly a man needs to be appreciated for what he does, accepted for who he is and trusted to do his best.'

Your post was interesting and TRUE. We all want the same things from each other, we just have to learn to listen and in return keep the communication flowing without the bitterness of life.

deepnthought said...


KreativeMix said...

interesting .........communication is deinitely key :-)

Fezzzzzzzzzzz said...

I like the 4 cardinal rules by the way. I have a listening problem myself, and I'll try to practice them

"We also withold certain nice things we used to do because we feel as if we're not being appreciated."

I did that ... guilty as charged...but when you are dealing with emotional manipulation, I think you have to be carful what type of access you give them to your heart...hence withhold some entry

fantasy queen said...

well written seems so simple the way u put it, but putting it to practice? now thats the challenge, thats why even tho we sought of know this things as being the key to a problem free relationship, we still find ourselves having the same problems over and over again.

PS:thanks for stopping by. and i might just take u up on ur offer *wink*

Jasmine said...

Wow!! I'm really impressed with this post and what you said is so very true.

We all struggle with this, but it is so important in a relationship to give the other person what he/she needs. Women need to understand and respect this as well.

Kudos, brotha. I'll keep reading.

Nitty-Gritty said...

This is some what true depending on the situation... thanks for stopping by.

K.Victoria said...

This post was very interesting, and communication is one of the most important parts of ANY relationship.

Be well.

anonymous gal said...

hmm another shrink.

Olamild said...

U definately know what u're talking about

Kawana Aminata Oliver said...

Nice Post, somtimes I like to argure tho ;-)

James Tubman said...

thanks a lot for visiting my blog everyone

i've been to all yours and i'm glad that some of you liked it

Ebonne said...



James Tubman said...

sometimes my emotions get the best of me and i don't always put the material into practice

but sometimes i do

Poetic Goddess Tara Shenéa said...

Awesome advice. This was right on time for me being that I am now ready to rejoin the dating scene. Thanks for sharing.

KreativeMix said...

Happy New Year, Mr. Tubman!!!