Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Flashback: The #1 reason why our relationships fail

Remember that special relationship when no matter whatyou did, you could always make up with the person, and they would forget about the bad things that happened? Making up was the fun part wasn't it? It seemed like you could've done anything to make this person angry, and they would always be there no matter what.

This went on for a while. You didn't appreciate what you had. You took them for granted, and eventually they got tired of it and moved on to somebody else. And when they got tired, you felt hurt and betrayed, because you thought they would always be there no matter how much you upset them. It really took you by surprise when they actually had the nerve to leave you or even cheat on you.

This is what people do when they feel like they give and give and give and don't get much in return.

The number one reason why any relationship fails is because we don't" VALUE" what we have when we have it.

In order to truly love or value anyone you have to imagine them not being in your life. You have to realize, that at any given time, something could happen to them. How would you feel knowing that your last moment spent with them was one where you didn't show them how much you really appreciated them? It hurts even thinking about it.

People don't respect what they take for granted. This is why we have problems in our own lives. We just assume that our boss will always need us to work for them. Or we just assume that we'll always have the basics in life like running water, gas and electric and a stable government.
You never know what might happen tomorrow. And that is precisely why you never take advantage of the one who treats you good because that goodness could be lost at any time.

If you are the person that is not being appreciated in the relationship you should limit their access to you whenever you feel as if you're not being appreciated by them! Cut them off for a while!

This might be hard to do for some. We'll discuss in a later piece what to do when we have a hard time pulling ourselves away from someone we're obsessed with.

For those of us who can do this now, before you take this measure, make sure that you warn them in advance before you cut them off. If they continue to do the same thing over and over again, you have no choice.
Also, before you cut them off, and after you cut them off, let them know exactly what you want from them in order to make things right . This is very important. Most of us aren't mind readers, and sometimes we have to be specific in describing what we want.

So if you want your man to stop gawking at passing women, tell him how you feel, regardless of how you think he might act. If he persists, cut him off and let him know that you want that behavior to stop or else. (Sorry brothers, but we gotta respect the ladies.)

When you get to the point where you "actually" love this person and they love you, you won't have to play the games as much.

But if somebody slips in the future, using this method will get them to act right, fast!

(sorry about that)

stop settling for less in your relationships. you have the power to change your partner for the better. if you have an open mind don't be afraid to click here to learn more.


Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh Brother James... Why you post stuff I already know, but don't know I know it until I read it.

I did all this with the ex... Cutting dude off, expressing my feelings when his ass checking out the females... But I just know.. I'm the ish so I cutt him off for Good..
- get your audiobook on paper and I will be your biggest fan... I swear.. I'm supportive... just got to give me a little love first!

Anonymous said...

"The number one reason why any relationship fails is because we don't" VALUE" what we have when we have it."

I must say that this is the honest to God truth. Most of my relationships have failed for this reason.

You're so wise Tubman :-)

James Tubman said...

@d'lee trecia... fancy name

thanx for the love

whatever i do i know you'll be honest lol

honesty helps because i want to make it just right

you are my biggest fan

your my little sister lol

@b-more bap... sometimes it's hard to do because sometimes it's hard to appreciate something that's always there for you

there's no challenge

i know i'm wise baby

neva stop wit da complements lol

Anonymous said...

lol.. at your attempt... {roll eyes]

Divine Blackness said...

Reading and writing.
And learning and growing.

Sooooo damn true.
*looks down*

Desy said...

you know- this could be applied to friendships as well (since that is my deepest relationship to date)

i was just thinking about how i would handle a few friendships that i have right now that are starting to tax my 'willing to accept anything' button... (and yes, i've talked about it with them... )

good post as usual james ;-)

KreativeMix said...

Great posts!!!! This applies to all relationships - work, friends, whomever. Love it!!

Fezzzzzzzzzzz said...

"If you are the person that is not being appreciated in the relationship you should limit their access to you whenever you feel as if you're not being appreciated by them! Cut them off for a while!"

Like you said, that's not an easy thing to do...Cool post

Uzezi said...

nice one.

some guys don't want to be told anything. once they know u want to start a conversation that will tell how you feel, they bring up silly excuses. they take and take all the love and affection and care without giving any or appreciating the girl, thinking anything they do, she will take because they think she is desperate. rubbish. they forget they are very irreplacable.

one you know he isn't going to listen to anything, and he doesn't value u, send him to hell please. life is to short to spend it wondering what is wrong with ur relationship.

FREEDOM said...

Very thought-proving piece as usually JT.

I guess the ole saying is true “You don’t MISS your Water until your Well runs Dry”.

You brought up a very interesting point in your analysis when you suggested that these games would stop once both parties “actually” love one another.

That statement alone says so much.

To me, I perceived this statement as we ALL are playin games to a certain extent initially in the beginning of the relationship.

So the question is how do we effectively communicate to the other player in the game that we have reached that ‘check mate’

In this phase you now have one serious player and one player that still wants to play the game. How do you handle your emotions when the other player in the game still has a couple Kings or Queens at his or her disposal?

What do you do when one player makes a move to end the game “trusting” that their fellow player is ready to “actually” reach that checkmate status too after they have hit it!!

We ALL know that there are no rules to the game of LOVE and you can’t help who you LOVE and we sometimes LOVE anyway believing that our fellow playmate is ready for that journey of LOVE right as we are.

"Actually" at the very same exact time in which we ourselves have decided to give up the GAME and VALUE what we have found in that other player which constitutes what we "ACTUALLY" perceive IS LOVE!!!

Brittany_83 said...

great post. first time here and i will be back.

Eb the Celeb said...

You are the king of making me realize what I already know deep in my heart but try to ignore. I am such a true taurus and so bullheaded the majority of the time that it takes hearing something from a perfect stranger in order to put it into perspective!

Mizrepresent said...

You speak the truth on "Value"'s funny, i have even felt funny, often sad, when i had to let someone go, thinking, "they don't know what they lost...i could have been so good to them...and wondering how this turn would affect them...always thinking about the other, but knowing this heart couldn't take it no more. Good advice James, as always.

anonymous gal said...

another printable put by my bedside article.

Ms. Lovely said...

yea this is pretty much making sense to me but idk why it's so difficult for me to listen..great advice.

Ms. Behaving said...

Right on JT!! Your posts are always dead on!!