Tuesday, January 29, 2008

How to stop being jealous and stop others from being jealous

what causes jealousy?

when people have something that we wish we had ourselves.

what can we do about it?

focus on what we have of value that the other person may not have.

ex. you're jealous of a celebrity, you have privacy.

you can go anywhere do anything and nobody will care.

you may be more intelligent, whatever.

why do we get jealous when our partner likes something about somebody else (or so it seems)?

because we wish we had that attention that the other person is getting.

what are some examples?

looks, sparkling personality, money, power, status, nice body, better sex etc.

how do you cure this type of jealousy?

let the person know in a relaxed and re-assuring way that the thing they are jealous of in this other person means nothing to you.

and if you can, point out a negative of having that characteristic to begin with.

ex. so if the person has a better body than your mate, talk about how shallow they are to spend so much time on themselves.

if the person has a lot of money, point out how the person has all this money but is still unhappy.

if the person is better in bed then talk to them about what they can do to turn you on and how they can work on it themselves (i'm stretching with this one).

in other words make the characteristic they are jealous of a source of pity rather than a source of envy.

Note: when talking to the one you're presently with, it's not appropriate to harp on their good qualities (telling them how great they are in other areas) because they aren't threatened by that.

they are threatened by whatever this guy has that they don't have.

so address that issue.

normally this technique works swiftly and automatically. But for those who are extra jealous you might want to use a different approach.

when people are jealous to the point where they don't even want you to go outside, then they are acting this way because they believe that you are too good for them and it's only a matter of time before you realize it yourself.

when they feel this way, the best thing to do is to flip the script, get jealous about everything she does and everyone she associates with.

when you do this you are giving her the thing she is missing most and that's power.

you give her some of it back when you make a scene over her.

if this problem continues (which it won't but in that extreemely rare case that it does) reemploy the same technique, but if the person is still acting crazy you might want to get some therapy for the both of you or let it go

stop settling for less in your relationships. you have the power to change your partner for the better. if you have an open mind don't be afraid to click here to learn more.


Opinionated Diva said...

I dunno Tubby, in theory this SEEMS effective, but a hater is a hater is a hater.

If you try to downplay your qualities to get them to focus on something else - then they're going to focus on something else to hate.

For some people hating is as natural as breathing, but the next time "Chatty Patty" comes over to me with some BS, I will try my bestest to diffuse the situation with one of your methods.

PS: When are you going to post something personal about the Tubster?

James Tubman said...

well when they begin to focus on something else to hate maybe you can change the subject then

i don't know

and why yall wanna know all my business lol

i'm flattered though

i don't know, we'll see

fantasy queen said...

i'm one of em' who looks out for the negative for every jealous thought that creeps up my head. but shoot, sometimes our minds eyes just damns the negatives and lets the possitive and juiciness dance all over our face.
but hey, what dont kill us only makes us stronger yeah?

and yeah, we need something personal man.

James Tubman said...

let the juiciness dance all over you face lol

i absolutely love the way you talk lol

FREEDOM said...

You were right. Can’t stay away…lol

How u know I’ll be back…: )

Excellent piece!

Never really thought about jealousy in this profound way before. Makes sense. I’m gonna have to try this out and on myself too..LOL! In a healthy way of course.…keep laughing!

This is some good psychology ya puttin out there. I'm takin' notes.

I know the next man that comes into my life will appreciate the teachings I got here at the solution house and from in the tub...: )

R U sure u ain’t no psychologist?

James Tubman said...

@free...no i just play one on the blog lol

glad to see that you liked the material

i was being lazy though

the next post is going to be the best i ever did

FREEDOM said...

i think u did a great job.

if this is "lazy" i can't wait to see/read your best!

FREEDOM said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Eb the Celeb said...

I know you answered the question yourself but you know I'm gonna put in my 2cents or why else would you blog...LOL

what causes jealousy?


what can we do about it?

get your weight up or consider it a loss

what are some examples?

Better yourself, READ a BOOK, self-motivation yourself to do things for self and not for the attention of someone else, believe in yourself, have something to bring to the table. Be confidant.

how do you cure this type of jealousy?

The only cure is to better know and love yourself to the point where you are not constantly comparing yourself to other people.

That's all I feel like commenting about right now...

So i will exit the solution and go chill in the tub

James Tubman said...

@e... i love it when you bring your own input to the table

insecurities are the underlying reason for our jealousy

and getting your weight up is a good answer

but thinking about something you have that the other person may not have will help me to feel better lol

Divine Blackness said...

You right....in general, we all are some insecure mofos. But a few insecurities are okay though? It keeps us humble and always working on self-growth, right? But just like OD said, a "hater is a hater".

Haha, the Tubster. I love that.

James Tubman said...

we are always going to have insecurities whether they are good or not because there will always be those of us who have more than others

however we should control them and keep them from ruining our lives because if unchecked they can reek tremendous harm on our relationships

thanx babes

shy giraffe said...

insecurities come creeping when you least expected it. but just like eveyone seems to agree here, we need to learn how to control and get pass it. love yourself first and it's gonna be ok. this is a good post and i enjoyed reading it. will try to put it to practice.

Desy said...

When it comes to jealousy within in relationships, I refer to 'Why did I get Married' and the 80/20 talk. That was an outstanding clarification of reality and offers comfort (because hopefully you are the 80 in his life)...

yeah tubman- get personal...(coming from a newbie.. aint dat some shyt...lol)

James Tubman said...

@shy... they do creep when you least expect it

i'm really not the jealous type but i have gotten jealous on those rare occasions

it didn't feel too good

but i know it was really envy

i wanted the attention that she was giving to him

@welcome miss desy

thanx for stoping by

don't be shy, speak your mind sista lol

i haven't seen the movie so i'm not really sure what rule you're talking about

i know about the 80/20 rule where 80% of the result comes from 20% of the work

is that what you're refering to

nikki said...

i think folk are jealous cuz they don't recognize their own worth. i mean, you can reassure a person until you're blue in the face, but if the person doesn't believe he/she brings something valuable to the table, it won't matter if you tell him the dish is good enough for you stick around for dessert.

also, there is an emotional reward that comes with hating. the thing is, there are so many of that type out there, there's bound to be someone who will bond with another on 'hating'. like, if one says "look at that dude...he ain't worth shit"...there's one more person out there feeling just as bad who'd agree. it validates the emotion and makes a person feel better cuz he/she ain't alone. not enough folk out there like "why you hating?"

if the hating behavior was a rarity, believe me, there'd be no emotional reward in it. then folk would feel ostracized when mentioning negative shit and be forced to change.

all of this is symptomatic of a society that values material and financial over individual merit. a person is deemed more successful if he/she is financially rich, deemed more valuable to society. find a way to get rid of that mindset, and i'm thinking the jealousy and hate behavior would diminish.

Jasmine said...

Hmmm...I agree with everything you're saying but somethings will always be hard.

For example...there is always going to be someone out there who has more money than me, a bigger house than me, a nicer body...and I've got to deal with that. Because even if Ms. Rich, nice ass great house is someone I'm jealous of, she can still be a perfectly happy, sane and wonderful person. And there is nothing wrong with that...

Ticia said...

Oh jealousy---

that emotion scares me.... its a hard thing to accept abt yourself--

I was jealous in one relationship - and I didn't like the way it made me feel...

So whenever I feel that, I retreat..pray and get it together---

FREEDOM said...

I had to look up the definition to these terms that were used in your piece to really see what’s the REAL meaning behind these words. Yes, I know the feelings connected with them, but I was in search of the exact meaning of the words. Just thought I would share.

Jealous: Intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness.

Intolerant: 1: unable or unwilling to endure 2: unwilling to grant equal freedom of expression

Rivalry: to act as a rival: COMPETE transitive verb 1: to be in competition with 2: to strive to equal or excel: EMULATE 3: to possess qualities or aptitudes that approach or equal (those of another)

Envy: Painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage.

-Did yA peep how jealous behavior is linked to unable or unwilling to endure unfaithfulness.

Interesting very interesting!

James Tubman said...

@nikki.. you got a little deep on me

i like that

some people don't recognize their own worth

that's why in my post "how to be happy no matter what" i say that people should always be thankful for the things they have because there is always someone out there in a worse position

haters are attracted to other hates when they are in that mode, but as soon as the hateration has ended they don't want anything to do with that person

there is an emotional reward

making yourself feel better by convncing yourself that you have something over them, that you are not as bad as them

and that is the cure to personal jealousy lol

and i think we should valus people based on what they do for society

money isn't everything

thanx miss nicccccccccky

@jasmine... hey jas

you always have some advantage over another person that they might not have

you gotta look for it

and as soon as you find it and ponder on it for a while

you'll feel better

@ticia... oh i so agree

it's one of the worse feelings you can ever feel

it's an anger that festers and just won't go away

that's why these little tips sometimes come in handy

@free... oh free

i love it when you speak to me lol

we have so many things in common

i don't go anywhere without a dictionary lol

i'll be a nerd till the day i die

"ntolerant of rivalry"

excellent definiton

points to the fact that most of us are desperately seeking attenion

this is why we waist so much valuable money on things that supposedly make us look good because we have this weird neurotic desire to noticed

and when somebody is noticed more than us or a lot more than us we get jealous

oh i am so in looooooooooove with your mind lol

Desy said...

ummmm... no- that is definately not the appropriate rule.. must i school you so early in our relationship...haha

"This rule states that most men get 80% of what they need from a marriage yet they tend to go after the 20% that someone outside can provide for them because it appears to be more to them when it really isn't."

Maybe I should blog about this rule since CLEARLY folk need to be educated on the importance of this.. (coming from a single female who isn't providing anyone with 80% of anything...lol)

James Tubman said...

@desy... i can understand why women think we are boneheads

if the man is getting 80% why would he go somewhere else

that 20% must be real important at the time

desperate lady said...

Lmao @ go to therapy, I'd suggest they go to church cos I doubt if therapy wud be of help.
Yeh u really did stretch that, I won't have that discussion with someone I'm with, if he fucks sum1 else n thinks she.s better, then he shud stick with her, I aint convincing him nnaaaaddddaaaaaa

Yo JT u asked for ma email, its ladyunmarried@yahoo.com
U tryna propose? I dnt do internet proposal.......kidding!

desperate lady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
FREEDOM said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
FREEDOM said...

I love the way U speak to me too baby….lol

My mind is so in looooooooooove witcha yO’ mind too….lol

So, just keep making love to my mind and we’ll see where this goes…lol

lindwee said...

Good post!

I used to be jealous when i was a teenager but now i don't care. Does that mean i am less competitive?

Still_Pocahontaz said...

if the person is better in bed then talk to them about what they can do to turn you on and how they can work on it themselves (i'm stretching with this one).

I dont know if this would be an act of jealousy, this will surely get you popped..LOL...this goes along with O Diva's post today

Your blog is cool...my first time, I will be back...=)

James Tubman said...

@dl... i read an article in the new york times saying that 80% of the people who go to therapy says it doesn't work

so you might have a point there lol

i'm the kind of guy that would want pointers but i'm sure there aren't too many black women like that lol

i'll be talking to you soon

@free... that was a little erotic lol

@lindwee... welcome back sis

being in competition isn't the same as being jealous

being jealous means you have a negative feeling towards the person because you think they might be better than you at something

a competition just means that you are going against someone else in a contest

it doesn't necessarily imply jealousy

@poca... you don't have to have sex with the person in order to know what turns you on

you can get that from a previous lover

i think i said that wrong or something


and welcome

but i thought you came here before

i don't know

Anonymous said...

I get jealous... yep... but as I begin to grow with all the knowledge and experiences... I tell myself there is always something I can do to "fix it"

Ms. emmotions said...

i must confess, u ve send it all on this, in short i feel u completely....well delivered. tho am wondering if its easy pull this for real, u naw seeing a celeb and thaqnkin my stars that not cos i have my priv...

howdy ?

Ms. emmotions said...

alota typo up there, pls see if u can make sense of it tho

Lovebabz said...

Hey James Tubman,

I think jealousy has to be dealt with by the person who is jealous. Nobody can make you feel, do, or be anything. If your insecurities get the best of you, then you have to check yourself. Having all the reasurances in the world will not cure jealousy. That requires internal personal development work.

James Tubman said...

@lovebabz... might not cure it but it can sometimes help

Honeywell said...

I am personally of the opinion that jealousy is an inborn problem, in the sense that any form of pacifying will only solve the problem temporarily...... A jealous person will always find something to be jealous about, in my opinion... Its a form of insecurity that will always pop up until the person resolves it on their own.....

KreativeMix said...

this one's tricky.

James Tubman said...

honey... the person is jealous maybe because of some unresloved childhood issues

nevertheless i think it will be an ongoing problem until the bottom issues are reloved through therapy or something


sorry it took so long