Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Sister’s: Sure Shot Formula for How to get what you want from any Man (I’m sorry about the length, but it might be helpful)

Women are often puzzled by some of the things that brothers do. For the most part, however, men are pretty easy to understand. If you all remembered this one rule you would know the basics on how to get anything you wanted from any man. That rule is this; men only do something or continue doing something if they think they’ll be appreciated for doing it.

Like I’ve mentioned before, men are easy to train. But in order to train them appropriately you have to do something that most 21stcentury Black women are afraid to do and that simply is; ask specifically and directly for what you want.

Why do women have a hard time asking men for what they really want? Most women instinctively feel that men should listen closely to the hints that they give so that they can intuitively know what their woman’s needs are. Because that’s how women interact with each other for the most part right?

Sorry to say it ladies, but if you think that your man is going to always be able to pass your tests and understand your indirect messages, you got another thought coming. Men are direct. If you want something from him you have to ask him directly for it.

This doesn’t always ensure that you’ll get it on the first try. However you are more likely to get it on the first try asking for it frontally than tip-toeing around it through subtle, indirect statements and innuendo.

Positive Reinforcement Process

Step #1 Ask him for the things he’s already doing.

This is the step that cultivates appreciation.

With this step you’re helping him out and yourself out at the same time because you’re showering him with acceptance every time he does what you asked him to do and you are getting yourself in the habit of asking for what you want.

Before he does normal things like open the door, call you at the end of the night or whatever small thing that you know he’s going to do, ask him earlier in the day to do it later on and when he does it shower him with appreciation and gratitude (you don’t have to over do it, just a smile, hug or thank you should do the trick).

Doing this is hard for women because they often give more than the man does. So some may figure, “why should I have to ask for these small things when I do so much more to try and make him happy?”

Because, in the long run, if you train him right he’ll want to do more to please you than he’s already doing.

There are 4 essential rules that you should keep in mind when you work on any of these steps

1) Be Brief and Direct. (No more than 2 or 3 sentences).

2) Use Would instead of Could. (Could implies that he could do it if he wanted to. Would says that you are directly asking for it.) ex. Would you call me later on, would you hold the door open for me wherever we go out, please. Etc.

3) Have a non threatening attitude when asking. (As soon as he feels he may be scolded for saying no he gets defensive.)

4) Ask at the right time. (not when he’s getting ready to do it and not when he’s heavily engrossed in something else.)

Step#2 Ask him for what you want even when you think he’ll say no

This is the acceptance step. What you’re trying to do is make him feel as if he has the option to say no if he wants. This is important because as soon as a man rejects a woman’s request (it was hard enough to ask him in the first place) she either scolds him right there with “well the least you can do is this, I’ve done this and this…” No!

You don’t want to do that. Don’t make him feel bad for not giving into your request. Just say OK! That’s it.

I know this is going to be hard for some women. Blog about it. Call a friend to talk about it later on, but whatever you do don’t take it out on him because, remember, you’re trying to train him to be obedient to your request. You might not believe it but he actually wants to be the best man he can be for you. But before he can be free to give unconditionally he has to know that he’ll be accepted unconditionally even if he doesn’t want to do it at that time.

So if you’re too tired to cook dinner ask him to take you out. If he says no say OK, and go on about your business. If you want to talk to him ask him in a very brief “would you” statement. If he says no, say OK, and roll. Most of the time he’ll say yes after thinking about it . He’ll say to himself “wow, she really didn’t get mad, maybe I should do it.”

So try that for a little while (keep at least a couple of weeks between each step).

Step#3 Ask even when you think he’ll say no then wait there till he says yes

This is the “puppy dog technique.” It is designed to build trust.

Alright. He’s really starting to respond to you, but there are still some things he will not do. You’ve tried asking him over and over but yet he won’t budge.

Now you should ask him using the four techniques from the first step and stand there and wait till he does it. Don’t give him any mean looks. Don’t give him any sad puppy dog, getting ready to cry looks. Just stand there and wait for him to perform the duty.

The first thing he’ll probably do when he doesn’t see you leaving him alone is bitch and grumble.
This is actually a good sign. He’s weighing whether or not he should do the job for you. Don’t get angry don’t listen to his words, just ignore them and continue to stand there.

If he really wasn’t even considering you’re decision he would say no in a calm tone and he probably wouldn’t care if you stood there or not. But if he’s bitchin he’s thinking about doing it.

Now he might try to bait you into saying something so he can get a whole argument started. He might say something like “I’m tired.” You say “I’m tired too. Would you do this for me, please.”

Whatever he comes at you with knock it down and come back with the same question.

Eventually he’ll do it. Now you know brothers can say some pretty mean things when we’re mad. Deal with it because you’re doing this not only for you but for him as well.

As he’s performing the act he’ll start to realize how much he loves you and he’ll all of a sudden be glad that you held your ground enough to let him convince himself to do it.

When he get’s finish, don’t cuss him out and call him a whole bunch of dirty you know what’s. Greet him with loving arms. He’ll feel like a million bucks because he knows that you truly trust him to do what you ask.

So follow these steps if you ever feel like you’re not getting what you really want out of the relationship. I know that it will work for you.

stop settling for less in your relationships. you have the power to change your partner for the better. if you have an open mind don't be afraid to click here to learn more.


Afrodite said...

Since I don't have a man, I can't attest to this. I imagine it would work though.

Good advice!

Afrodite said...

Oh! And was I first? Bump it up!!!

Opinionated Diva said...


Be back later - about to leave work - for my comment!

Laterz Tubby!

Opinionated Diva said...

Damn you all for beating me that friggin quick! LMAO!!

Divine Blackness said...


My girl Afro is a damn fool. And why I was takin' notes....I don't know. It's not like I'll have to put these tips in use anytime soon. But I can definitely dig it.

Lola Gets said...

Hm, I just might try some of these tips out! Im currently dating a man who says he'll call and then he doesnt. I dont think hes purposely doing it (dude does have ADHD and can get distracted very easily), but its still somewhat annoying. I talked to him about it once, and then I let.that.shit.go. If he doesnt want to talk to the fabulousness that is Lola, then later for him!


James Tubman said...

@afro and op d...

what in the world am i gonna do wit yall lol

James Tubman said...

this is more of a long term solution in a relationship but you can do some of this stuff in the begining too

James Tubman said...

@divine...i don't know what's wrong with guys

you are beautiful and smart

everywhere you go there should be a forcefield of men around you

you'll find a good one one day

K.Victoria said...

Greetings Tubman!!

While these are very good tips, while reading I couldn't help but think this is very manipulative. It makes me think should we have to manipulate our men? I think I can answer my own question. In a utopian world we wouldn't have to. But moving on...

Men are very direct beings. All the throwing hints, and wanting something, but not saying it... doesn't fly at all. They want things to be black or white. No gray areas.

I think your tips are great, they have psychology written all over them.
Great Post!!

Mizrepresent said...

Great post and thank you...something to think about when i'm in that relationship...but until then, i will take notes.

Opinionated Diva said...

"Men are easy to train"? hmmmm...I seriously think it depends on the man. Some ole dogs can't be taught new tricks, but I'm going to agree to disagree with you on that part lol

I wont comment on every little thing, but I certainly agree with being specific and direct about what you want...had this conversation with my sister recently. She has learned over the last 20 years with her hubby to be specific and very direct. Hints do NOT work.

Overall...there's good stuff in this post. Ya done good Tubby!

Anonymous said...

I'm starting to learn how to appreciate the single life.... Thanks for the knowledge though.... wait a minute. this is kind of like training my 4 yr old nephew to understand whos boss.. that little dude know how to push my buttons lol....

diary of a G said...

hey JT I just read the first paragraph n I gotta say you're so
right already

appreiation that's so true
I'll be back

diary of a G said...

great post, I think the ladies here
understand that hints don't work

I think an important thing in relationships is to "get your point across without arguing"

and if you can manage to do that in life as well, life itself becomes much better

BTW thats a line frm my lyrics

"money talks so if you're broke
please stop the talking"

"I get my point across
dude I aint about arguing"

Sorry not talking to am just tryna get discovered but I like your logic man

Eb the Celeb said...

OK... have do any men know of thes steps... especially #3 asks until he says yes... are you serious...

I do feel you on some aspects though... especially the being direct thing. We as women are natually inclined to play games and go the round about way of getting answer and coming to our own conclusion based on your actions rather then just coming out and asking.

Lovebabz said...

I am not one for games nor have I ever been. I do not like coy indirect conversations. I have no patience for mentally small men. I am direct and to the point. So these points/tips/hints don't work for me. Although, Brother I appreciate your trying to keep the lines of communication open. I prefer Men who are self actualized and do not require instructions for a harmonious interaction. But there are some women who do need these pearls of wisdom and for them I think you may have found favor. Keep it going.

MsPuddin said...

wow. Deep breath. Lol good to know…

Where do you find this stuff? Do you study it or from experience? I will try it and get back to you…

One Man’s Opinion said...

Boy, stop giving away secrets. What the hell is wrong with you? LOL

James Tubman said...

@k vic...yeah

this definately aint a perfect world

if you want something in life you can't take anything for granted

you have to ensure that it will happen

@op d... i may be wrong about this but i think the dogs are the easiest ones to train because they are so starved for genuine affection

that's one of the reasons why they go from woman to woman because they are looking for that one that will give them what they never got

@lil sis... you can work on this with any male especially children

and if he keeps plucking your nerves read my post "how to be happy no matter what" lol

@D.O.G... just like listening is the key for women, appreciation is the key for men

@my homegirl e...yes i am serious

this stuff works, it's been researched and time tested

@love... good luck on finding that "self actualized man"

even the most perfect man on earth has some flaws

i follow the idea that sometimes it's not bad to make due with what you got

@mspuddin... both

i got this particular piece from "men are from mars women are from venus by john gray"

extraordinary piece of work

i put my little spin on it because i didn't fully agree with all of it


@omo... lol

i know man i need to stop it lol

but hey, this one is for us

i wish my previous girlfriend knew this one

TILshopgirl said...

GREAT steps!!! I don't think this is about manipulation; it's about building a relationship - which a lot of us - men and women - don't know how to do until we've failed at it several times. It's hard to think objectively in a relationship so these tips are great! Thanks!

Opinionated Diva said...

@op d... i may be wrong about this but i think the dogs are the easiest ones to train because they are so starved for genuine affection...that's one of the reasons why they go from woman to woman because they are looking for that one that will give them what they never got

you really think they go from women to women because they are starved for affection?

This is me agreeing to disagree with you again! lol

I am J said...

Very good useful info. Looks like I stumbled onto your blog at the right time.

KreativeMix said...

Now I know where to go for the secrets .......... LMAO!! Thanks for sharing the tips. They're fab!!!

Eb the Celeb said...

well then spread the word to the rest of the men of the world cuz u trying to get some chicks slapped by continuing to ask until the man says yes...

Lovebabz said...

I do not want to "make do" I want FABULOUS! Of course, we all have flaws--tons and tons. But that does not mean that you have to settle for contrite. This is not the age of Jane Austen.

James Tubman said...

to all of you thank you for your comments

now i'm finally geting some constructive criticism so lets do it

@tilshop..i agree it's not about manipulation it's about bringing out the natural desires of men and women

men naturally want to solve problems

and women want to have their problems solved

so it works out well for both parties

thanx boo

@op d... i see you are really living up to your name today lol

i love it, i got an answer for that

men aren't jumping from woman to woman just because of the good sex

like one of the bloggers said, a man is always gonna get his no matter who we're with (with rare exception)

brothers sleep around mainly for compensational purposes

to give himself a false sense of self esteem because he's not getting that true sense of self esteem from any other source

men need love as much as women do

but they don't reckognize it until they get a taste of it

so if they stumble upon a woman who really knows how to treat a man

who provides the three basic needs a man has to have in order to be a whole man, then it's very possible that that man will be more psychologically dependent on her

because she provides the manly needs that he so desperately desires thus eliminating his needs for anybody else

now this process might take a while but it's very possible

it happens all the time

case in point, morris chestnut's character in "the best man" (the running back)

his wife knew he was sleeping around even before they got married

but he always would return to her because she gave him the emotional needs he was lacking

and eventually he stopped cheating

now i'm not advocating that a woman stay with a man even when he's cheating

that's up to you

you don't go out seeking something that you already have

but you can come on back if you need further clarification

cuz i know you is lol

you gotta live up to your name lol

thanx though

James Tubman said...

@i am j... welcome my sister

wow your pretty old lol

just kidding

just make yourself at home and put your feet up whenever you want to

would you like some tea or another drink lol

@my gorgoeus beauty ebonne... while i love and apprecite you taking the time to think about and display your comments, i feel that it's my duty at this time to clarify some ambiguous issues

i never said that you should "ask" until he says yes

i said that you should stand there in his presence until he says yes

i also said that if it doesn't look like he's going to say yes then he'll let you know by rejecting you in a calm and cool manner

if he does that and you continue to stay there fine

but if tries to leave, don't get in front of him and impede his progress

leave him alone because he obviously has his mind made up

i should have clerified this

you always trying to start some trouble lol

@love... yall ladies are real fiesty today huh lol

but i love it though

i don't understand what you mean by settling for contrite

if that means lowering your standards i'm not saying that at all

women should have high standards

the reason we are in the hell that we're in now as a people is because both black men and black women have low standards

you should have high standards but that person won't have a chance of meeting your standards until he is whole

and there isn't that many "whole" men out there

i don't care what color they are

i'm just giving you time tested material on how to get what you want in a relationship

if you want to wait out for someone who might have the full package great

but that might take forever

and you might be pushing 50 wishing that you had settled and made him into what you wanted him to be yourself

i don't know

thanx though

desperate lady said...

Another lovely post James, I really enjoyed this one a lot.
Hmmm very good advice but I don't know about standing there waiting for boyfy to say yes, I don't think I can do that.
Its already embarrassin that he said no at 1st n then I have to stand there? Hell naw bro.

Ivanaa said...

useful tips.... Its kinda weird that as women we are taught never to ask and just kinda expect that the guy should know, well I've tried it my way there's really no harm in trying this ...once again thanks!

Afrobabe said...

wish just one of this suggestions would really work...but I guess one man's meat.....

James Tubman said...

@dl... i know, i know

you gotta take baby steps

@ivanna...some guys can actually pick up the hints

but when women aren't direct some men might think that they really don't expect them to do it

sometimes it's annoying

but i know why women do it so i just laugh lol

@afro... i'm sorry if you hadn't had success

i get this stuff from research

i will eventually be paid for doing this so i believe that these techniques are the right ones to use

some i've actually tried myself

some things aren't for everybody though

deepnthought said...

I just read this post all the way through
I must say, I dont agree with some of this. Direct is the only way to be.

I am not into training anyone. A grown man should not have to be trained. It is not my job to train a grown man. You train animals.

I also feel that you cant give a person self esteem. You have to find your own. Now, I do not believe in emasculating a man. So, I guess a lot of your tips, I already do or did in a relationship. I dont argue. I dont pick. I ask, and thats is. If he doesnt want to do it then fine. I wont beg. I wont wait around. I probably wont ask more than once either. And that comes from being influenced by militant older brothers.

Don said...

lol @ one man opinion comments.

You made some good points. Although I can see where deepnthought is coming from.

Good post.

shy giraffe said...

came across your page while i was noseing on someone i have to say, your points is..uhh.. very interesting, will try to keep it in mind and put it to practice.

ps: hope you don't mind i add you on a blogroll.

Desperate lady said...

James there r some things not added 2 that list so imma help u out here.
Sisters-if u wanna get stuff 4rm ur man, do this
1.Give good head-yup! Ask for whatever u want when he.s about to burst his nut.
2.Cook his favourite meal and ask him for anything when he.s eating.
3.hehehehe when he asks for the pussy, ask for what u need. Tit 4 tat baby.
4.Y'all should clap for me.
5.I'm out!

James Tubman said...

@deepnthought... thank you so much for such a heartfelt response sis

in order to learn anything you have to be trained to do it

this is why we go to school

so that we can be trained to become professionals in our field

the television is training us everyday to buy stuff

we are always being trained to do something

most men haven't been appropriately and deliberately taught how to understand the female mind

but if you have the knowledge to help him

and by doing this your relationship will be better, i don't see why you wouldn't do it

human beings get our highest sense of self esteem from our interactions with each other

certainly we derive some sense of esteem from our inner core, our morals, principles, values and so forth

but having other people love us and cherish us is what we really want

most women are afraid to ask for anything because they have such low expectations for men

i think that is the real problem

@don...omg tryna start some ish lol

thanx bruh

she did make some good comments

the train of thought i'm writing from is so alien to how many black women are used to thinking

so i can understand why they reject such knowledge

@shy... welcome sister

glad you stumbled here

don't ever be too shy to come back lol

@dl... see you ain't right for that lol

now if you ask for anything (especially during #1) you getting it

i don't care what it is lol

but what you're doing is setting conditions on him doing something for you

because if he says no some negative consequence will happen

that strategy does work but in the long run it builds a lot of resentment

Anonymous said...

I see you up over my land every now and then ....What you looking for? lol... oh you got me up twice in your links....

Honeywell said...

what have i been doing wrong on blogsville that i have not seen your blog? love love love it.....

James Tubman said...

@koffee dyme...that's because i like you twice as much :)

@honey...thanx for the lovely compliment

i hope you stop by again soon


Simi Speaks said...

As always, very thought-provoking list! Where was this list when I first got married??! lol.. I need to retrace my steps!

Have a great week..

Anonymous said...

Wow.. now i'm koffee Dyme? lol.. alright i hear you.. just checking...

Ticia said...

I am so late on this one! Sorry!

This is a good list...wish I could have known some of this before!

I will use some of your advice in the future!

Peace :)

Danyelle said...

Lol, this is funny! In a good way though because I saw myself doing all these steps to get what I want from my bf. Love this post!!!

anonymous gal said...

thnks a million james. will print this and kip.

Diary of a Mad Soul Sista said...

i love that pic! never did get around to reading. will revisit

Queen of My Castle said...

How did I miss this post? Anyhoo, good one. Was thinking about posting a female version, but opted against it.

Heru said...

C'mon want appreciation from a woman. But what a man wants most is to know that at the end of the day, his woman will be laying in his arms, fresh from a jean nate bubblebath, fragrantly oiled from head to toe, ready to be taken to La La land. That's the ultimate appreciation gift a woman could give to a (deserving) man.

Shai said...

If he bitches at me its OK, if I bitch to him it is not. WTF! LOL.

I read John Gray's book and I don't agree with everything. Plus all that work to get a man to stuff? LOL.

fantasy queen said...

lol at DL's additions...but really, it all sounds alot like blackmail, the whole cunnin manipulation to get stuff...not saying i dont do it, but just tryin to figure it out...a gals got to do wat a gals got to do.

James Tubman said...

@semi... i know it sucks man lol

we definately need to be taught this earlier in life

this educational system would rather teach you how to weave baskets than teach you how to maintain a long lasting relationship

is this really progress

@lil growing up on me now i gotta start treating you like a full fledged woman lol

@ticia...thanx for dropping a note

love ya

@danyelle... your boyfriend sure is lucky lol

this stuff has been proven to work so i think you should still do it

@anonymous... no problem, my pleasure

@queen... my queen

i would love to see you post something from the female perspective

if you don't do it i guess i'll have to

@heru... man that was a nice image you just gave

if anything shows appreciation it's doing that right there


@shai...oh we gonna get ours too

in my post "how to make a woman happy during her most difficult times" i talk about the fact that when she's having a bad day she's probably gonna blame us for everything

but this something that balck people have to understand, the message is not always going to be in the words

this is where love comes in

if you love somebody you gotta be there to understand them when times are hard

that is when you love really counts

@fantasy queen... the man really wants to do everything he can to satisfy you

but most men don't know that because they are not in touch with their true nature

it's not manipulation

you are showing him how to love

that is a blessing, not a ploy to control

James Tubman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MysTery said...

What the!!!?? Oh my goodness this is the greatest post ever!!! jk. Lol.

But seriously. I am SO glad that I came across your blog and read this.

I really have a problem with patience and probably need to paste then on my mirror.

Thanks for the advice! God bless.

James Tubman said...

thanx mystery

this is what i do

Eb the Celeb said...

So I read this post again to find something wrong with it and basically just to start trouble because you know thats what i like to do here tub... then I saw your last comment to me and you started it with

"my gorgoeus beauty ebonne"

Now how the heck can i talk smack to you when you came at me like that...

thanks for that... i have been in a little bit of a funk the last 48 hours and that really made my day...

so I wont cause trouble but I do want to know if you have a girlfriend or if any of this stuff has ever worked on you... do you have any personal instances that you can share.